Zombie Strippers

Paco:
Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!

Lillith:
[after stripping for the first time as a zombie] Death is good.

Jimmy:
Your hands are so cold. Whoa! That's interesting. Your tongue is so dry.

Kat:
Then get it wet!

Dr. Chushfeld:
Major! Thank god you guys are here. It's bad in there.

Maj. Camus:
It better be. Right, Lieutenant?

Lt. Ryker:
We're the best of the best, sir! We drink napalm and and piss fire!

Maj. Camus:
Semper-fi!

Lt. Ryker:
Hoo-rah!

Maj. Camus:
So what seems to be the problem, doc?

Dr. Chushfeld:
Believe it or not - zombies!

Maj. Camus:
Nothing like a good challenge.

Lt. Ryker:
We improvise and adapt, sir!

Maj. Camus:
We just stopped that thing, what was it called again, Lieutenant?

Lt. Ryker:
Armageddon, sir!

Maj. Camus:
That's the one. Lieutenant Ryker here killed Satan himself with a sharp stick. Good work soldier!

Lt. Ryker:
Today's a good day to die!

Dr. Genet:
The virus is based on the human X chromosome, so it stays more pure from woman to woman. But once you get a man in there, like everything else, it all goes to sh*t.

Maj. Camus:
So what do we have to do to take one of these zombies down, doc?

Dr. Chushfeld:
Well, what works for us is we've been surgically removing the medulla oblongata.

[Camus c*cks shotgun and blows a zombie's head off]

Dr. Chushfeld:
Or that.

Cole:
[to strip club patrons] Nothing comes out of your pants except tips for the girls.

Madame Blavatski:
[introducing Jessy to strippers] Okay uber-sluts, we have new meat!

Ian:
Back off, you walking herpe you!

Jeannie:
[touching his jacket] This is nice.

Ian:
[slapping her hand away] Never touch. Not the jacket. Not the shirt. Not the hair. You touch me again, I'll kill you!

Ian:
Tired of that same old lap dance? Well pull up an extra seat, young fellas, and experience Rino's exclusive face dance! One of our lovely ladies will sit on your face and give birth to your head!

Ian:
Remember the Alamo. Davy Crockett.

Paco:
Whatever.

Davis:
I need to talk to you.

Jessy:
Make it quick.

Davis:
I need to know what the meaning of life is.

Jessy:
You're kidding.

Davis:
I know we're Christians, and what you're doing is a sin, but the intent is, well, Christ-like with you sacrificing yourself and all. So what are morals? Do the ends justify the means? But then again the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so... darn, I'm out of clich?s.

Kat:
[to Jessy] Kid, it takes more than desperation to get out there on that stage. You either got it or you don't, baby.

Kat:
[to Jessy] You have to be a warrior. A soldier. Fearless. Uninhibited. A stripper with a take-no-prisoners, raw, survival instinct.

Jeannie:
You're f***ing dead!

Kat:
I was, but now I'm back!

Sox:
Not possible. This is not possible.

Lillith:
How does it feel?

Kat:
Great. I've never felt more alive!

Gaia:
Oh sweet irony!

[Kat turns to walk away]

Lillith:
Hey, where are you going?

Kat:
I'm going to dance.

Cole:
Hey, you think this is a good idea? I mean, wasn't that b*tch dead a minute ago?

Ian:
F*** it. What's the worse that can happen?

Paco:
[after seeing that a bar patron has been killed] Holy sh*t! Hey, do I have to clean this mess up?

Ian:
Let's see if I got this straight - our best stripper is a reanimated corpse who is feeding off the living flesh of our customers, who in turn reanimate, even if they're just a f***ing head?

[nervously laughs]

Ian:
You don't see this as a problem?

Sox:
How's it feel... death?

Lillith:
It feels like snow and stars.

Gaia:
Aw, that's pretty!

Lillith:
I remember once lying in the snow under a clear blanket of stars, there were so many stars... You couldn't comprehend what it was like. That vast un-knowable void. But now I understand it. I feel I'm a part of it, that infinite nothingness... I wanna strip. Who's on? F*** it, I'm gonna dance.

Kat:
Love is dead.

[repeated line]

Rincon:
I like knives.

Bereng?:
Look, Ian, these zombies... they scare me. I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares.

Ian:
Don't worry about them then.

Bereng?:
They're murdering flesh-eating monsters!

Ian:
They're harmless.

Jeannie:
[offering herself to zombie] Come to mama.

Jessy:
Your optimism makes you an idiot.

Bereng?:
What did you call me?

Jessy:
An idiot.

Bereng?:
No, an optimist! Don't you ever call me an optimist again!

Jessy:
They're zombies.

Madame Blavatski:
No. They're strippers.

Bereng?:
[cocking shotgun] They're zombie strippers!

Jessy:
You want to get laid before you die.

Davis:
Is that such a crime?

Paco:
It's Paco time.

Dr. Chushfeld:
Iraq is making us enough money to make god cream in his f***ing jeans!

Sassy Sue:
Sir, I fear we are being used!

Announcer:
George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

Ian:
Make like a tree and get the f*** out of here!

Madame Blavatski:
Girls, we talk. Hmm? In the old country, I strip for my bread and borscht. And vodka.

Kat:
[getting back to her "Collected Works of Nietzsche" after becoming a zombie] This makes so much more sense now.