Zoolander

Mugatu:
They're break-dance fighting.

Derek Zoolander:
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

Larry Zoolander:
Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.

Derek Zoolander:
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Derek Zoolander:
Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Billy Zane:
It's a walk-off!

David Bowie:
If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service

Maury Ballstein:
I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.

Matilda:
When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.

Derek Zoolander:
Ew!

Derek Zoolander:
Well, I guess it started during my first year of the second grade, when I was eating lunch and caught my reflection in a spoon, and I thought to myself, 'Hey, Derek, you're ridiculously good looking! And I thought maybe I could do that for a career.

Matilda:
Do what for a career?

Derek Zoolander:
Be professionally good looking.

Hansel:
They're *in* the computer?

Mugatu:
Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Matilda:
I became...

Hansel:
What?

Matilda:
Bulimic.

Derek Zoolander:
You can read minds?

Derek Zoolander:
Why do you hate models, Matilda?

Matilda:
Honestly?

Hansel:
Yes.

Matilda:
I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.

Hansel:
I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

Hansel:
I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Mugatu:
Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!

Mugatu:
Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?

Protestor:
Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too!

Katinka:
I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!

Katinka:
I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.

Hansel:
Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

Hansel:
Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!

Derek Zoolander:
There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".

Derek Zoolander:
There was a moment last night when she was sandwiched between two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesman, when I thought, ?I could really settle down with her.?

Derek Zoolander:
For serious.

VH1 Reporter:
Derek, are you worried about Hansel?

Derek Zoolander:
Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.

Larry Zoolander:
I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.

Derek Zoolander:
Mer-man! *cough* Mer-man!

Mugatu:
I give you, "The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good."

Derek Zoolander:
What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu:
Derek, this is just a small...

Matilda:
I've been trying to reach you for a week.

Derek Zoolander:
A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

Matilda:
That was last Friday.

Derek Zoolander:
Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Derek Zoolander:
Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?

Hansel:
The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?

Hansel:
Nice Comeback! Ha ha.

Derek Zoolander:
Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.

Derek Zoolander:
If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Mugatu:
Hansel... so hot right now... Hansel.

Hansel:
You can dere-lick my balls cap-i-tan.

Hansel:
You can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.

Derek Zoolander:
I can Dere-lick my own balls.

Matilda:
Derek that was unbelievable!

Derek Zoolander:
I know! I turned left!

Matilda:
No, you saved the prime minister!

Derek Zoolander:
Oh, well that's cool too.

Derek Zoolander:
You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.

J.P. Prewitt:
The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?

Derek Zoolander:
Mugatu!

J.P. Prewitt:
Slaves Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.

Matilda:
Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.

J.P. Prewitt:
You're God damn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as sh*t were!

J.P. Prewitt:
I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys... we're a different breed.

Derek Zoolander:
Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.

Matilda:
What?

Derek Zoolander:
A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?

Mugatu:
The man only has one look for christsakes!

Mugatu:
You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.

Mugatu:
I invented the piano key neck tie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing!

Mugatu:
Do as you are trained... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Hansel:
I hear words like "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity that I don't buy into.

Derek Zoolander:
You mean, you haven't . . .

Matilda:
Done it in a while, yeh.

Hansel:
Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?

Derek Zoolander:
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.

Derek Zoolander:
Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.

Matilda:
What?

Derek Zoolander:
I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...

Matilda:
What are you talking about?

Derek Zoolander:
OK, if you just want to fool around or...

Matilda:
WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!

Derek Zoolander:
God?

Maury Ballstein:
God? What the sh*t are you talkin' about. It's me, Maury.

Derek Zoolander:
I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.

Larry Zoolander:
How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see?

Hansel:
Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some sh*t out.

Derek Zoolander:
Fine.

Hansel:
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Derek Zoolander:
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Hansel:
Well, you go first.

Mugatu:
As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!

Olaf:
Cool story, Hansel.

Hansel:
Thanks, Olaf.

Brint:
Or the way Hansel combs his hair?

Meekus:
Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!

Brint:
I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.

Meekus:
Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.

Brint:
Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!

Meekus:
Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!

Brint:
I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus:
Uh, Earth to Brint...

Derek Zoolander:
Would you guys stop it already?

Brint:
You know what would help you sort through these important issues?

Derek Zoolander:
What?

Brint, Meekus, and Rufus:
ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!

[Brint, Meekus and Rufus are playfully having a water fight with hoses to the tune of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham. They then start to unhinge pumps from a gas station and squirt each other with gasoline]

Derek Zoolander:
What are they doing?

[Derek, in a rare moment of using his brain, realizes gasoline is a dangerous substance]

Derek Zoolander:
Guys, NO!

[Derek’s attempt is too late as a man lights a cigarette, causing the gasoline to ignite, killing his three best friends]

Maury:
What do we do when we fall off the horse?

[Derek looks puzzled and begins to mouth the words to himself]

Maury:
(slowly) We get back on.

Derek:
I'm sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

[Maury is talking to his wife on the phone]

Maury:
For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!

Mugatu:
[interrupting Maury] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM! [Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia]

Derek Zoolander:
One look? One look?! I don't think so! [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp]

Hansel:
There it is!

Todd:
MAGNUM!

Larry Zoolander:
[Watching on TV] Holy moley!

Maury:
Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!

Mugatu:
Dear God...it's beautiful! [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop]

Derek Zoolander:
At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Derek Zoolander:
Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!

Jacobim Mugatu:
Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

Jacobim Mugatu:
It's that damn Hansel – He's so hot right now!

Jacobim Mugatu:
Obey my dog!

Jacobim Mugatu:
He better be here because I'm a hot little potato right now!