George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances2001

George Carlin:
Now, the government has asked us all to come up with suggestions and ideas that we might have to help them to fight terrorism. That'll give you an idea of how much sh*t THEY have on the shelf. Okay?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Yeah. And like any good citizen, I'm ready with my suggestions. Now, first of all, overseas, in Afghanistan, I think you have to use the most powerful weapon you have. In this case, chemical warfare of a type never used before. And I'm talking about the Flatulent Airborne Reaction Team.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
F-A-R-T, FART. Here's what you do. You take thousands of overweight, male NFL football fans, okay? Thousands of them. We're gonna start with a nucleus of Giants fans and Jets fans. Gotta start with that nucleus.

[applause]

George Carlin:
Now, it might be necessary, it might be necessary, to include some Bills fans and Eagles fans, too, okay? This is war; you can't be choosy. And I'm also thinking about getting some of those big, fat cocksuckers who root for the teams in the NFC Central, you know? Chicago Bears fans, Green Bay Packers fans, guys who eat a lot of bratwurst. Okay?

[laughter]

George Carlin:
And all of these guys have to be over 200 pounds. What you do is for thirty days, you put them on a diet of nothing but cheese, cabbage, and beer.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Okay? That's all they get for thirty days. For many of these men, this will not be a new diet.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You fill them up with cheese, cabbage, and beer, and you drop them into Afghanistan, where they commence chemical warfare of the highest order. You send three-man FART squads into every cave and tunnel in Afghanistan.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Just send them in there. All right? And then ya smoke them out. That's right. These good citizens will release horrendous, deadly farts. The kind of fart that could kill cancer.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart that comes in handy if you have something that needs welding.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart that if you let one go at home, thirty minutes later, your plants are all yellow.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
The kind of fart that after two or three days, you begin to realize there are no more birds in your neighborhood.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
A fart that would eat the stitching out of Levis.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
Can I get away with one more fart joke here?