George Carlin: Playin' with Your Head1986

George Carlin:
Here's how I'd change basketball. You could make basketball a lot quicker. You know what you do? You have a two second shot clock.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
As soon as that ball is in bounds, get that sumbitch up in the air. I didn't come to watch a game of catch. I'm looking for a four or five hundred point ball game! I'm a fan! I want six overtimes and a thousand points on the board! Another thing I would do for basketball, at the center court line, for ten feet on either side of the center court line, I would have a gasoline fire.

[laughter]

George Carlin:
You talk about the fast break, you'd see the *really* fast break. Here's another suggestion for basketball. I would allow twenty-five points for any ball that goes in the basket off another guy's head. You'd see some good fights during those close games, I'll tell you. And you'd increase the chance for serious injuries! That's what I'm looking for, injuries! That's what I like about sports! I don't care who wins these games; if I want to see winners, I'll watch the Academy Awards. I'm looking for injuries. Serious, lifelong, crippling, debilitating injuries. I'm an American! Give me a little violence and I'm a happy guy! Most people won't admit that. Most people won't admit that; they'll say "Well, I like the competition." Yeah, like Hiroshima, right? F*** the competition. I'm looking for a leg in two or three places.