Love Is Evol2009

Christopher Titus:
I filed for divorce. And I filed ex parte, and I filed a restraining order, and I went to court that next Monday and I was righteous. I walked into court like a superhero. "Your Honor! I no longer wish to be married to the thieving harlot!" Because I knew I was right. And she got up in front of the judge and went "Your Honor, this man has beaten me for the last twenty years and beaten the children since the day they were born."

[boos]

Christopher Titus:
And it turns out "Uh uh!" is not a defense in California court.

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
It's not legal. Now, why would a woman say that? Why would anybody say that if it didn't happen? Let me explain something about no-fault states. And this is also for Alec Baldwin.

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
Um... in a no-fault state, everything is 50/50, no matter what. You could literally walk in on the one you married doing a monkey, and it's still 50/50.

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
The monkey might get a chunk, I don't know.

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
That didn't relate to my case. 50/50, unless somebody claims domestic violence. And then, after the hearing, if the judge believes it at all, it's up to the judge's discretion to give up to 100% of the marital assets *and* custody of the children to the 'damaged party'. And the only thing that *ever* made me want to be a wife beater...

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
...is being called one. "Your Honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"

[laughter]