Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction2009

Robin Williams:
They say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was a guy going "Tom, do you have those designs for the human reproductive system?" I do, Ted. Let's show you what we came up with. Normally, with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to do something different from the mammal... the male penis, the human. We call it the collapsible.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Kind of fun. And look at this: Murray came up with the idea of making the covering optional. Thank you, Murray. Way to go.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
We take the covering off, it's a little sharp, a little pointy. We need something on the top to soften it up. Bob, what was your idea? "A mushroom cap."

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Thank you, Bob. We put the mushroom cap on the top and it's kind of cool, because when it's retracted, it looks like a little toadstool. And when it's erect, like a little soldier. Thank you. And Tim put a piece of string up at the top. Thank you, Tim. I guess to tune it. Thank you, Tim. And we run the semen out the top, and urine through. We also run urine through there. We call it multitasking, or "cumming and going."

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Kind of a fun concept. And initially, we just had the semen stored inside the penis itself, like a toothpaste tube. BTTHH.

[blows rapsberry]

Robin Williams:
Gone! So, we needed something to store it in, and produce it. What was your idea, Carl? "Nuts." Thank you, Carl.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Initially, we used walnuts. We've had good luck with those in the past. And the human males are going "We can't sneak up on the females." What? "Listen."

[sound of nuts banging together]

Robin Williams:
Got it! Forget the coconuts, let's try something different! Bob, what was your idea to replace them? "Balls." Balls! Who doesn't like balls? What fun. Initially, we used three balls. And here are some of the tests with the three balls. They were going everywhere. The male was like "playing with the balls, playing with the balls." And we went "we'd better put those in a bag."

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
So, we decided to make a bag. And the only thing we had lying around was some old turkey neck.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
I said "use it!" Let's try it. So, uh... we put the balls in the turkey neck and, um... it's ugly.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
I think, uh, yeah... next to the a**hole, it's one of the uglier things we've made, really.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
And we got some negative feedback from the females. They're going "We're not going down there unless you cover that up!" Okay. So we put some garnish around it.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
And, uh... initially, we made the hair straight. The females? "My eyes!" Okay, curly. We put curly hair. And, um, initially we put the hair everywhere, even the top of the penis and, um... it looks like my uncle Phil.