Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction2009

Robin Williams:
Like "Hey, how are you?"

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
So we, uh, just went with a topiary thing. Which was kind of fun. And then the females went "We'll go down there now." Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Which is cool, because you can start the penis orally, thank you. Uh, manually. Thank you, Manuel, for finding that out. Uh, finger in the ass? Ted found that out. He said it was an accident.

[feigns laugh]

Robin Williams:
Kidder. And if you play with the balls, the penis likes that. It's kind of fun. But we did find out one negative thing about the balls. If you hit them really hard... it's a total system reset.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
It's like...

[hand movement]

Robin Williams:
If it was a slot machine, it would pay. It was kind of rough. But that's essentially the design for the penis. Initially, we gave the male about eight hundred sperms, and those were gone in a millisecond. And now we give him eight to nine billion, and he shoots them everywhere.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Tits, drapes. We found some on the ceiling; those are the overachievers. We hope some make it to the vagina. It terms of the vagina, Carl's in charge of the vagina project. Carl, what did you come up with? "Well, normally, with the mammal vagina, you have the genital slit or opening. We decided to accessorize it." Well, what did you accessorize it with, Carl? "Curtains."

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
We just thought it makes it less of an opening and more of a show, really. Kind of... and we had some old lips lying around. We said "Try those! Let's give it a go!" And initially, we made it horizontal and, um... the damn thing talks.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
It was weird. And the first time it talked, the males are going "I'm not going down there if it talks! I've already got one opinion up here! I don't need a second one." Fine. So now we made it vertical, and now it just farts.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
And the first time in the world, it went.

[pantomime horse whinny]

Robin Williams:
Easy, big fella! And the a**hole got offended, saying "That's my job!" Okay, hold on. Yours will smell, not to worry. Not to worry." But we needed something kind of special. One last little thing that would really work. And Clint came up with a brilliant idea.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
I think we're going to name it... it's kind of wonderful. Clint, what was your idea? "A doorbell." Thank you, Clint. You ring the doorbell, the curtains open, it's kind of fun. Some guys can't find it, others don't know when to stop ringing it. But you ring the doorbell, the curtains open, the penis goes inside. And Tom worked out some choreography for the balls. It's kind of fun. That's really...

[pantomimes]

Robin Williams:
It gets everything ready to go. And the sperms fly out up into the human female. She carries the egg. Normally, we gave it... we first tried giving the egg to the male; he kept losing it.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
We went "Fine!" We gave it to the female, she carries it. And we thought the male will be in charge of feeding the infant. We gave the male two basic breasts, and the male was like