Sullen2008

Guy:
That reminds me, did I tell you we're tying the knot?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Are you.

Guy:
I figured it's been almost a year, I think it's time.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Good decision, I can tell you put a lot of thought into that sh*t.

Guy:
What's that mean?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Nothing, I'm sure it'll be a loving, lasting relationship built on intimacy and mutual respect.

Guy:
Oh, you're just bitter about... what's-her-name, what was it-...

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
- -EVERY F***ING WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.

Guy:
You know what I've noticed about you, man? Every time you get in a relationship you're up on cloud nine. Then when it ends, you spend two years making everybody else miserable just because they have what you want. Why can't you just be happy for somebody for once?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Because that'd be dishonest. I mean, I'm shallow, I'm not a liar.

Guy:
You've got a hell of a track record to be giving advice.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
At least I've been around the f***ing track, man! Here you are talking about marrying the third pair of live breasts you've seen in your whole life!

Guy:
Hey-...

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Look, all I'm saying, man, is this love relationship bullshit doesn't last. I mean, it's swell while it does, but it'll expire like a magazine subscription on your ass. You've known this chick, like, what, not even a year and you're all rearin' to get married?

Guy:
What's a year got to do with it?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
I'd take that year, multiply it by about two and say that's roughly how much longer you have together. First sign of choppy seas, they're jumping ship, no matter how much you think they love you. [turning away, ponderous] They're worse than f***ing housecats.