Ted2012

[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

Norah Jones:
Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

Lori:
Oh... my God.

Rex:
Holy... sh*t.

[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

Ted:
I gotta f*** her again.

John:
Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

John:
[singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

Ted:
Still better than Katy Perry.

John:
[singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind / [raises voice] We move as one / We're an all-time high...

Rex:
You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

Angry fan:
You're an a**hole!

[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

Norah Jones:
Oh Jesus!

[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]