The Five-Year Engagement2012

Audrey:
Hi! I missed you today.

Tom Solomon:
That's nice. [pauses] Listen, I need to talk to you about something, Audrey.

Audrey:
What's behind those eyes, Tom?

Tom Solomon:
My ex-fiance has been on my mind a lot and I feel like that's something I need to explore.

Audrey:
Well, she's an old b*tch! There, I just explored it for you. Done?

Tom Solomon:
It's hard to have this conversation with you.

Audrey:
You need to explore it, Tom? You were with her for five f***ing years. That's a really long time. What else is there to learn about her? [yells]

Tom Solomon:
I don't really know the answer to that but I just think I need to find out.

Audrey:
What are you thinking? You're so stupid. You're so stupid! You're gonna leave me? You're gonna leave this for saggy tits and a loose vagina? Really? Oh God!

Tom Solomon:
I'm sorry to do this to you.

Audrey:
Shut the f*** up! You know what? You should just go, Tom. Just go! Go! Go have fun with your old woman. Go f***ing read at night together. You can go through menopause together and you can go get your little prostates checked. Check each other for lumps all the time and do those kinds of things together. Then go get some Crocs so your back doesn't hurt. And then you can go walk on the beach and f*** each other with your gross, wrinkly balls. [pauses] That's another thing. You're getting f***ing fat! It's really hard to have sex with someone when you can't breathe underneath them. Can't breathe! Like I feel like I'm going to die every time! [sighs] You should leave. I'm gonna say mean things.

Tom Solomon:
Goodbye.