The Fortune Cookie1966

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Gentlemen.

O'Brien:
Ah, Mr. Gingrich. I've heard a lot about you. Sit down, sit down.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Say! You each have an office like this, or do you all bunk together?

O'Brien:
The reason we called you up here, Mr. Gingrich is because -

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Lemme guess. You want to settle.

O'Brien:
Settle?

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
You don't want to settle.

O'Brien:
Certainly not.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
That settles that.

Thompson:
You got no case, Gingrich. It's a simple matter of workmen's compensation.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
It's a simple matter of negligence. That tarpaulin should have been rolled back 50 feet, and it's gonna cost you $20,000 per foot!

O'Brien:
Rubbish! All the legal precedents are on our side.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
That so? What about Fishbein v. the Empire State Building?

O'Brien:
What about it?

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
You'll find it in Volume 16, New York Supplement Two, Page 45, 1900 and 39. A window washer, 61st floor. The safety belt broke and -

[Willie makes the motion and sound of someone falling.]

Thompson:
As a window washer, Mr. Fishbein was taking a normal occupational risk.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
The window washer's name was Jones. Mr. Fishbein was a pedestrian walking innocently down 34th Street, and the next thing he knew, he was splattered all over the sidewalk. The widow sued, was awarded $85,000. Case appealed, judgement upheld. Volume 259, Appellate Division, page 56. Also Volume 24, New York Supplement Two, page 168, 1900 and 40.

O'Brien:
Maybe in New York, they throw money around like that.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
All right, what about Mrs. Cunningham v. Baltimore and Ohio Railroad? US District Court, Eastern District of Ohio, Number eighty-nine twenty-seven. Mrs. Cunningham, en route to Cincinnati to visit dying uncle, gets trapped in the toilet on account of a faulty lock. The car is hitched to another train. Mrs. Cunningham winds up in San Bernardino, California. By this time, the uncle is dead, and she's cut of the will. So, she sues the railroad for damages. Does this ring a bell?

Thompson:
Never heard of it.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
You mean, none of you has? Because you gentlemen represented the railroad.

O'Brien:
We did?

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
And lost the case.

O'Brien clears his throat.

O'Brien:
Suppose we get back to the Hinkle case?

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
You guys should really bone up on negligence.

O'Brien:
We've been going over the hospital report.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Discouraging, isn't it?

O'Brien:
Naturally, we don't accept it at face value.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
I wouldn't either.

Thompson:
Look, Gingrich. Let's stop horsing around. We demand the right to have our own doctors examine Hinkle.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
You got it.

Kincaid:
Unless you agree to it, we'll get a court order and force you.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
I agree to it.

O'Brien:
Now, don't give us any trouble, Gingrich. We know you're reputation. We - What do you mean, you agree to it?

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Permission granted.

Thompson:
You have no objections?

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
As a matter of fact, I insist on it. To you gentlemen, it's just a question of money. But to me, it's a personal tragedy. My kid brother-in-law, possibly disabled for life. I'm sure you gentlemen'll bring him the best doctors, the kind of specialists we could never afford. Maybe you'll even send him to the Mayo Clinic.

O'Brien:
Don't worry. Mr. Hinkle will get a thorough going-over.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Good. We'll there be anything else, gentlemen?

O'Brien:
I can't think of anything.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Well, I can. If you're to examine my client, you'll need written consent.

O'Brien:
Yes, of course. [to Thompson] Get Miss Heffelfinger in here.

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Don't bother. I have the authorizations right here.

[He takes them out and hands them to the O'Brien, Thompson, and Kincaid.]

William H. "Whiplash Willie" Gingrich:
Three copies, all signed and notarized. Thank you very much, gentlemen. If you'll excuse me, I have somebody waiting in my office. Interesting case. I'm considering suing the United Fruit Company. There should be a printed warning on every banana peel. Those things can be hazardous to your health. Carry on, gentlemen.