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Guard:
Halt! Who goes there?

King Arthur:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

Guard:
Pull the other one!

King Arthur:
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

Guard:
What? Ridden on a horse?

King Arthur:
Yes!

Guard:
You're using coconuts!

King Arthur:
What?

Guard:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

King Arthur:
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...

Guard:
Where'd you get the coconuts?

King Arthur:
We found them.

Guard:
Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!

King Arthur:
What do you mean?

Guard:
Well, this is a temperate zone.

King Arthur:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

Guard:
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

King Arthur:
Not at all. They could be carried.

Guard:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

King Arthur:
It could grip it by the husk!

Guard:
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

King Arthur:
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

Guard:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

King Arthur:
Please!

Guard:
Am I right?

King Arthur:
I'm not not interested!

[A second guard approaches the parapet]

Guard 2:
It could be carried by an African swallow!

Guard 1:
Oh yeah. An African swallow, maybe -- but not a European swallow, that's my point.

Guard 2:
Oh yeah, I agree with that.

King Arthur:
[exasperated] Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

Guard 1:
But, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

Guard 2:
Oh, yeah.

[Arthur begins to depart]

Guard 1:
...So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.