Shrek the Third2007

[After Shrek, Donkey, and Puss successfully recruit Arthur Pendragon to inherit the throne after Harold's death, Artie looks back as he leaves Worcestershire knowing he won't go back]

Artie:
[delightfully] I can't believe it. Me, a king? I mean, I knew I came from royalty and all, but... I just figured everyone forgot about me.

Shrek:
Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally.

Artie:
Really? Wow. But look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games.

Shrek:
It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

Artie:
Boat with a bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.

Shrek:
Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks.

Artie:
[excited] This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses.

[Meanwhile, Donkey and Puss go to tell Artie all about being king]

Donkey:
It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.

Puss:
And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters.

Artie:
Oh yeah? What do they do?

Puss:
They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned.

Artie:
Poisoned?

Shrek:
[Trying not to make Artie reconsider] Or too salty.

Donkey:
Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards.

Artie:
Bodyguards?

Puss:
All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you.

Artie:
Really? [Meanwhile, Shrek cues them both to stop and that they're making the situation worse]

Puss:
The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. [Shrek is still cueing them to stop talking]

Donkey:
Just make sure they don't die of famine!

Puss:
Or plague.

Donkey:
Ooh, plague is bad.

Puss:
The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.

Shrek:
[laughing] Festering sores, hey! [To Puss] You are one funny kitty cat.

Puss:
[confused]What did I say?

Shrek We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. [Meanwhile, Shrek notices that Artie is not there] Artie? [Soon the ship turns violently and Donkey and Puss are flinged from the scene] [Meanwhile, Artie is seen turning the ship's wheel back to Worcestershire]

Ship Captain:
There goes my hip!

Shrek:
Artie! What are you doing? [Shrek pushes Artie away and pulls the wheel to go to Far, Far, Away]

Artie:
What does it look like?! [he pushes a broom to the wheel]

Shrek:
This really isn't up to you. [He pulls the wheel again]

Artie:
But I don't know anything about being king! [they start fighting over the wheel]

Shrek:
You'll learn on the job! [Donkey is being pulled back and forth and is on the verge of throwing up]

Artie:
Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back.

Shrek:
Back to what? Being a loser? [Artie, visibly hurt by what Shrek called him, lets go of the wheel, causing Shrek to pull too hard, breaking it] Now look what you did!

Artie:
Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?

Donkey:
[Holding in his puke sees danger up ahead and swallows his puke] Shrek!

[Shrek sees the shallow end and sharp rocks, he tries to steer away from the rocks, but due him breaking the wheel earlier, is unable to and soon the ship crashes causing everyone to fall in the ocean]

Ship Captain:
Land ho!

[Puss is seen shivering and as they reach the beach, shakes himself causing him to look like a furball]

Puss:
How humiliating.

Shrek:
[sarcastically] Oh, nice going, Your Highness.

Artie:
Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser"? Huh?

Shrek:
Hey, If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another... and you're going to be a father!

Artie:
[confused and uncontrollably] What?

Donkey:
[Looking at Shrek] You just said "father".

Shrek:
I said king! You're going to be king!

Artie:
[mimicking Shrek] "You're going to be king!" Yeah, right.

Shrek:
Where do you think you're going?

Artie:
Far Far Away... from you!

Shrek:
You get back here, young man! And I mean it.

Puss:
Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material.

Donkey:
When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be king?

Shrek:
Oh, come on. Now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me.

Donkey:
Whoa, Shrek, then your gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid.

Shrek:
You're right, Donkey. [he picks up a log] What about this? [he presses it together with his other hand with a possible intention of knocking Artie out cold]

Donkey:
[angrily] Shrek!

Shrek:
[laughing] Oh, come on. It's just a joke. [he throws the log away] Still...