Blackadder Goes Forth1989

Private Baldrick:
No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder:
Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Lieutenant George:
The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.

Captain Blackadder:
George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

Lieutenant George:
Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. [aside, to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!

Private Baldrick:
I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.

Captain Blackadder:
I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Private Baldrick:
Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.

Lieutenant George:
By Gum, this is interesting. I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Captain Blackadder:
You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Private Baldrick:
But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

Private Baldrick:
What was that, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
It was bollocks.

Private Baldrick:
So the poor old ostrich died for nothing then.