Copper2012

Detective Francis Maguire:
[joining the other two at the bar] You limp-d*cks solve the case yet?

Andrew O'Brien:
Oh, I believe we did, Francis.

Detective Francis Maguire:
Ah, grand. Who'd you pinch?

Detective Kevin Corcoran:
Nobody.

Detective Francis Maguire:
Nobody?

Andrew O'Brien:
Noooo-body.

Detective Francis Maguire:
[eyeing them suspiciously] The two of youse are grinnin' like Cheshires. Spill the beans.

Andrew O'Brien:
[Corky gestures at Andrew to tell the story] Oh, well thank you, Corky. Mrs. Ethel Devery...

Detective Francis Maguire:
The dentist's wife.

Andrew O'Brien:
Herself. She was, uh, havin' her way with the local butcher lived on the floor below. Now the butcher, he was fightin' with the landlord, and the landlord, he was the one who gave the fruitcake to Gilles Devery.

Detective Francis Maguire:
So the landlord murdered Devery. [Andrew and Corky shake their heads] The butcher murdered Devery. [They shake their heads again] Then who murdered Devery?

Detective Kevin Corcoran:
Devery!

Detective Francis Maguire:
[annoyed] I'm gonna knock the piss outta the both of ya!

Andrew O'Brien:
[demonstrating with a shot glass] Ethel Devery baked the fruitcake for Elek, the butcher, her lover. Gilles Devery, the dentist, found out that his wife was, uh, breakin' the seventh Commandment, so when Ethel left for Poughkeepsie, Devery poisoned the fruitcake, [he fills the glass] planned to kill Elek and have her blamed for the crime. Devery then delivered the fruitcake to Elek, [passes the shot to Corky] but Elek didn't eat it. Instead, he put it in a Nellis Bakery box and gave it to Lunsford, the landlord.

[Corky drops the shot into a stein of beer and passes it down to Francis. Andrew snatches it away and takes a drink]

Detective Kevin Corcoran:
Lunsford passed the fruitcake back to Devery, who, thinking it was a Nellis', the best goddamn bakery in New York, ate a piece.

Detective Francis Maguire:
[in disbelief] The dentist poisoned himself?

Detective Kevin Corcoran:
He did indeed. [all three start laughing; Francis takes the boilermaker back]

Andrew O'Brien:
Byrnes was murdered by a dead man.

Detective Kevin Corcoran:
[laughing harder] At least he wasn't knifed in the groin, like his brother!

Andrew O'Brien:
He got his desserts, though!

Detective Kevin Corcoran, Detective Francis Maguire:
Tare an'ouns, all this take a'fruitcake is making me hungry. [Corky shoves a plate of food down to him]