Death Battle2010

Wizard:
Kal-El was born to a high-class scientist on the planet Krypton. He narrowly escaped the destruction of his homeworld when his father sent him to Earth with the goal of preserving human life.

Boomstick:
Well, what a coincidence... except for the whole saving human life thing. After landing on Earth, he was found and raised by the Kents, who decided to name him Clark. And weren't they surprised when they found out he was an alien with superpowers.

Wizard:
After discovering his true heritage, Clark refused to accept his Kryptonian side. He subconsciously developed mental barriers that blocked him from attaining his full power, which he would work to uncover throughout the rest of his life.

Boomstick:
Stupid power-limiting brain.

Wizard:
After graduating from college in two years and traveling the world as a secret superhero, Clark moved to the city of Metropolis as an investigative reporter and donned the red and blue to publicly announce his presence as the Superman, defender of truth, justice and the American way!... until he renounced his American citizenship.

Boomstick:
Mild-mannered Clark kept his identity a secret with the brilliant disguise of nerdy glasses and wimpy demeanor proving that people only see what they want to believe.

Wizard:
Boomstick, that's surprisingly profound.

Boomstick:
[burps] Since then, his power's been pretty inconsistent, mostly due to the writers doing whatever the hell they please.

Wizard:
Well, there is a legitimate explanation. Superman's powers are dependent on the ultra-solar rays of the sun. By absorbing yellow or blue sunlight, his power rises; however he cannot absorb sunlight from a red star. So, if you take away a yellow sun, you slowly take away Superman's powers.

Boomstick:
He's solar-powered! They call him the world's first superhero but he sounds like the world's first hippie to me.

Wizard:
Now, the intensity of solar radiation disperses the further away it gets from its source, so the closer Superman is to the sun, the more solar radiation he'll absorb.

Boomstick:
So he gathers more power the higher he gets? He IS a hippie.

Wizard:
In the Justice League series, Our Worlds at War, Superman actually spent fifteen minutes INSIDE the sun. When he resurfaced, he was powerful enough to effortlessly move planets.

Boomstick:
He can also hear sounds millions of miles away, see through anything but lead, and spot things moving faster than light.

Wizard:
He can see at a subatomic level and hear through the vacuum of space... somehow. He can even see your soul.

Boomstick:
What?

Wizard:
It happened.