Frasier1993

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."

[He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz's booth]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[reading] "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute..."'

[Bulldog and Gil drape him in tinsel and lights]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[ignoring them] "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..."

[mutes the microphone]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!

[Bulldog plugs in the lights, and he and Gil laugh]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[keeps reading] "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."

[Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"So, one dark-"

[blows out Bulldog's lighter]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"-night, one dark-"

[blows it out again]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
-windy night, The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."

[Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a stripper disguised under a Santa costume]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."

[Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
YIKES!..."He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."

[Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
OH, MAMA!..."he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife, and somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.

[off the air]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed... for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?

[He grabs Candy and kisses her passionately]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And to all a good night.