I'm Alan Partridge1997

[Tony Hayers has told Alan that although there won't be another series of his chat show, he'll still be open to any other ideas in future, so Alan seizes the opportunity to pitch his ideas for programs]

Alan Partridge:
[Opening a file] Right, OK. Shoestring, Taggart, Spender, Bergerac, Morse. What does that say to you about regional detective series?

Tony Hayers:
There's too many of them?

Alan Partridge:
That's one way of looking at it, another way of looking at it is, people like them, let's make some more of them. A detective series based in Norwich called "Swallow". Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. He's not a criminal, you know, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly... [Tony shakes his head] Think about it. No one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. I mean, this will put Norwich on the map.

Tony Hayers:
Why would I want to do that?

Alan Partridge:
Yep, fair point. [He turns to another page] OK, right. "Alan Attack!". Like the Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach. [Tony shakes his head again] 'Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave'.

Tony Hayers:
I don't think so.

Alan Partridge:
Pity, because they were very keen on that one. Right, now you'll like this... "Knowing M.E., Knowing You". I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform, you've got to keep the energy up, because... [Tony shakes his head, horrified] You don't like it? That's alright, that's OK... "Inner-City Sumo".

Tony Hayers:
What's that?

Alan Partridge:
We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.

Tony Hayers:
[laughing and shaking his head] No, no, it's a bad idea.

Alan Partridge:
Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park.

Tony Hayers:
[laughing] No.

Tony Hayers:
If you don't do it, Sky will.

Alan Partridge:
Well, I'll live with that. Is that it?

Alan Partridge:
Well, no, no, um... Cooking in prison.

Tony Hayers:
[laughing] Oh, no.

Alan Partridge:
Uh, uh... "A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons".

Tony Hayers:
What's that?

Alan Partridge:
Well, it's just a title, I mean... Erm... No, uh-uh-uh, opening sequence, me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going "Oh God!"

Tony Hayers:
[Holds his hands up] No, I'm sorry, no! Stop!

Alan Partridge:
[Stammers] Erm, erm... Youth Hosteling with... Chris Eubank.

Tony Hayers:
[laughs] No! [a pause as Alan tries to think of something else]

Alan Partridge:
Monkey Tennis?