I'm Alan Partridge1997

Sonja:
"The Spy Who Loved Me" is a brilliant film. It begin in forest in Germany...

Alan Partridge:
It's Austria! Austria!

John:
What's the one where the laser beam goes up his jack...

Alan Partridge:
"Goldfinger"!

Michael:
What's the one with the, with the volcano, and it splits up and a big rocket comes out with all Chinkies jumping up and down?

Tex:
Isn't that, er, "Thunderball"?

Alan Partridge:
No. No! No! No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about "The Spy Who Loved Me". All do that with your fingers round your eye. I am Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in "The Onedin Line" comes in and goes, "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then... yeah, you can stop doing that now. And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes, "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian - he's got eyebrows, you know - and he's on the phone going, "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then, it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he goes, "I've got to go, love. Something's come up."

Michael:
Aye. He means his cock.

Alan Partridge:
Anyway, then he, he, he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he gets on his skis and he starts skiing. And he's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes, "Right! I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp, and he, he lands on his feet - I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute...

Michael:
He pulls a ripcord, right? And a, a, a parachute comes out and it's got a Union Jack...

Alan Partridge:
Michael! Michael!

Michael:
But that'show it ends.

Alan Partridge:
That's not the end of the beginning. The end of the beginning goes like this: glang! Glanalangalangalangalangalang! Glanalang, langalangalanga, nobody does it better - and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round - Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it - ooh, bit of nipple - quite as good as you. Baby, you're the best. Da, da, da - and now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet. Da, da, da, da, da, der. I wasn't looking, so now you found me... ooh, bit of bush, er - I tried to hide from your love life - and a woman swinging on a Luger, a giant Luger; ooh, look at that... Like heaven above me - and now another naked woman walking along the top of a gun, completely Billy Bollocks... The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight - and then one more big swing from the woman; legs go right up - ooh, what was that? Too late... Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you're the best!