Malcolm in the Middle2000

Francis:
[finding door under stairs] Hey, what's this? [opens it and turns light on revealing lots of merchandise]

Grandma Ida:
Oh you don't want to look in there. Too sad.

Francis:
But grandma, what are all these things?

Grandma Ida:
They're gifts for the family.

Francis:
But you never [spots something and picks it up] Oh my God. Donatella Ninja with pizza throwing action. I wanted one of these when I was in the 2nd grade.

Grandma Ida:
I know and I bought it for you. Then right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone you called me poopy and then hung up.

Francis:
[makes weird face and then sees something else] Is that the bread maker mom wanted last year?

Grandma Ida:
If she wants bread so much, so should write back when a mother writes to her. [picks a statue up] Oh I bought this for cousin Nichola. I spent the whole day shopping. Then she goes and marries a protestant. [points to something] That video camera, for your father, right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store. [mutters] All the nice things I do for people.

Francis:
[astonished at all this] Oh my God! You are crazy! I thought you were just evil, but you are completely nuts! Grandma gifts aren't conditional, they're gifts! You give them to people because you care about them! They don't even know you've upset them. You've built up this insanity! What kind of person does that?

Grandma Ida:
A sad lonely person. What use is of all these gifts? They could have brought some happiness, but instead they just rotted here in this closet.

Grandma Ida:
Oh my heart. Its melting.

Francis:
What?

Grandma Ida:
Oh Francis. You, you showed me the way by yelling. [now sarcastic] Quick go get me my reindeer and we'll deliver these gifts to all the mean rotten selfish people around here.