Mr. Show with Bob and David1995

David:
You've seen him perform feats of unparalleled skill on TV and radio. Now, world-wide billiards champion Van Hammersly presents a series of videotapes designed to teach as well as entertain. With his first tape, "I Oughta Be in Pictures," Van Hammersly showcases his incredible talent and passion for the golden age of film.

Van Hammersly:
Lotta people wanna go to Hollywood, see the stars they've seen for lo these many years. Why not take a trip on your own [claps] billiards table? Just pick out a few balls and say hello to the stars. Well, look what we have here! [Picks up ball] Marilyn Monroe, star of the Seven Year Itch! [Picks up another] Next to her, Humphrey Bogart. "Judy, Judy, Judy!" And next to him, the three crack ups - Moe, Larry, and Curly! [laughs] Stop it, gentlemen, you're going to screw everything up. All right, it's 1952, and we're on a back lot. It's time for the awards - the Hollywood awards! First of all, Marilyn Monroe, nice to have you! [Hitting balls into pocket] Humphrey Bogart, "Judy, Judy, Judy!" And next to him, Moe, Larry, and Curly. The Three Stooges! Get on down there, boys!

David:
Then it's off to the races as Van recounts the running of the 1974 Kentucky Derby the only way he knows how - with a pool table!

Van Hammersly:
It's 1974, March 15th, and horseracing history is about to be made. A hot muggy day, all the horses are at their gates - let's run the race, shall we? First of all, Mr. Fasthorse comes down his gate real slow-like. Not like his name at all! [hitting balls into pockets] Papa's Delicate Condition and Krystallnacht almost trip over each other! Get your bets in, gentlemen, because Batman: The Horse isn't waitin' around for anybody! Nice 'N' Sticky says, "What about me, boys?" Next up, Stinkfinger. Next to her, If Mandy Patankin Was a Horse comes in. Bringin' up the rear, Ol' Felcher! And that's how the race was run!

David:
Tape number three, "All Aboard," teaches you about the history of mass transportation.

Van Hammersly:
[Swirling billiard balls around table with his hands] 37 people died in a massive triple decker bus accident in London, Britain, New Hampton, Wales!

David:
And if you order right away, you'll receive "Your GED." Simply viewing this tape qualifies you for a high-school diploma. Van teaches you mathematics.

Van Hammersly:
You simple subdivide each part by its cosine. [hits ball into pocket]

David:
Science.

Van Hammersly:
Bam, bam - [hits ball into pocket] and that's why we have nitrogen!

David:
American history.

Van Hammersly:
And that's when Lincoln said [hits ball into pocket] "Don't diss my homies!"

David:
You'll receive one tape every year. Your library will grow, as will your knowledge of such diverse topics as: Renaissance painting, oceanography, corn futures, belly dancing; December 7th, 1941; billiards, rock lyrics, and many, many more! These are simply the best teaching-by-billiards tapes you can purchase. That's why they've earned the TBD gold seal.