Peep Show2003

[Jeremy is relieving himself through the letterbox]

Mark Corrigan:
You're actually doing it?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, I'm actually doing it!

Mark Corrigan:
God, Jeremy! What if someone outside thinks it's some sort of comment? I hope there's no black or minority ethnic person walking past who thinks it's...

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, it's a perfectly friendly piss, I'm not... [he sees someone coming through the frosted door window and jumps back] Oh, sh*t! Withdraw all units! [whispers] If it's the cops, don't open the door.

Mark Corrigan:
I can't open the door, Jeremy. That's one of the key things about this whole situation. [a man wearing a motorbike helmet knocks on the door. The pizza that Jeremy ordered has arrived]

Pizza Delivery Man:
Pizza.

Jeremy Usborne:
Pizza! Nutritious, delicious pizza!

Mark Corrigan:
How's he supposed to deliver it through a locked door?

Jeremy Usborne:
I've thought about that. [to the pizza delivery man] Uh, just slide that baby through the letterbox, dude.

Mark Corrigan:
Of course, the letterbox. Your new pleasure portal.

Pizza Delivery Man:
It won't fit, mate. It's a large one.

Mark Corrigan:
Defeated by your own greed. It's like a Grimm's fairytale.

Jeremy Usborne:
Piece by piece, dude. Piece by piece.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, you've got to be joking!

Pizza Delivery Man:
OK, money first. [Jeremy pushes some money through the letterbox]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is so not how I imagined the day of my first-born son's Christening. [the pizza man pushes a slice through the letterbox, but it has a draft-preventing brush which is scraping off all the topping]

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, sh*t, no! The brush! Dude, dude, we're getting f***ed with the brush! [disappointedly looks at his topping-free pizza slice] Do you want some?

Mark Corrigan:
A slice of bristly, cheese-free pizza, lightly brushed in your piss? How can I refuse?

Jeremy Usborne:
What happens if you eat letterbox hair?

Mark Corrigan:
Strangely there's been very little research into that scenario.

Jeremy Usborne:
Does post even need brushing? Who wants brushed post? [notices some post on a table and picks up a magazine in a plastic packet] Hang on, dude, I've got it! I've got a sheath. [he pushes it through the letterbox] Use this as a protective covering.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Look at him, the James Dyson of pissy pizza. [the pizza man pushes the magazine back through the letterbox, folded with a slice of pizza sandwiched in it]

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah... Hey Mark, it's working! We've cracked it! [takes a bite of pizza] Mmm. We should sell these. Periodical pizza shields. We could take these to the Dragons!

Mark Corrigan:
We'll make our fortune. This is a situation millions of people find themselves in every day. There's no name for this situation, it's so unusual!