Please Like Me2013

[as Josh arrives home to find Mum crumpled in the corner on the kitchen floor, he prepares to call for an ambulance]

Mum:
[barely audible] Don't, don't Josh, don't, they'll put me in the looney bin. Don't.

Josh:
[hanging up the telephone] What did you take?

Mum:
Just some of Peg's pain medication and some Baileys, and then I regretted it so I vomited it up on purpose, then I vomited up a little bit by accident.

Josh:
Does that work?

Mum:
Oh yeah, I'm fine.

Josh:
[getting down on the floor to help her] Why didn't you call me?

Mum:
Because I'm fine.

Josh:
Okay. Are you absolutely certain if I don't call an ambulance, that you won't die?

Mum:
Yeah, I'm certain.

Josh:
Yeah? You pretty sure? It'll weigh heavily on my conscience if you do die.

Mum:
Yup.

Josh:
Probably spiral into depression, and possibly drug addiction, and you'll be too dead to help me.