That '70s Show1998

Michael Kelso:
You owe me money.

Jackie Burkhart:
Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.

Michael Kelso:
Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The... shag carpeting, uh... eight track, strobe light, black light, red light.

Jackie Burkhart:
I hate you!

Michael Kelso:
Well, I hate you more!

Jackie Burkhart:
I hate you most!

Michael Kelso:
Well, I hate you the... damn it!

Steven Hyde:
All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.

Fez:
Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.

Steven Hyde:
All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.

Jackie Burkhart:
Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.

Michael Kelso:
I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.

Steven Hyde:
For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.

Michael Kelso:
Right.

Steven Hyde:
[takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?

Jackie Burkhart:
Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.

Michael Kelso:
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.

[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]

Fez:
[takes the notepad from Hyde] Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso... uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?

Michael Kelso:
Well... uh... w... one time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.

[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]

Michael Kelso:
And... and... Hyde, help me out here.

Steven Hyde:
Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.

Michael Kelso:
Hyde!

Steven Hyde:
Dude, you burned her house.