The Colbert Report2005

Mike Mark Carrion:
[Stephen is calling the Humane Society after they were "livid" about his hatred of bears] Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion.

Stephen Colbert:
Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to.

Mike Mark Carrion:
What seems to be the problem?

Stephen Colbert:
This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report. It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true?

Mike Mark Carrion:
Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which...

Stephen Colbert:
The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying?

Mike Mark Carrion:
We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey.

Stephen Colbert:
Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines?

Mike Mark Carrion:
Bears are not killing machines.

Stephen Colbert:
But you will admit that they are Godless?

Mike Mark Carrion:
Uh...

Stephen Colbert:
What if a bear was breaking into your house to get at your women? Would you shoot it then or would you just say "take 'em?"?

Mike Mark Carrion:
You know, when bears cause conflict, it's usually because people have attracted them...

Stephen Colbert:
Oh, it's our fault! It's our fault, because I have doughnuts!

Mike Mark Carrion:
Well, we encourage people to store their food and trash properly if...

Stephen Colbert:
Were you livid with my show?

Mike Mark Carrion:
We were livid with the killing of these bears in New Jersey.

Stephen Colbert:
I accept your apology.

Mike Mark Carrion:
I didn't apologize.

Stephen Colbert:
Too late! Goodbye!