The Colbert Report2005

Stephen Colbert:
[Discussing a Today Show segment on whether men should cry] It's never okay for men to cry! You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. Man holds it in! Until his eyeballs swell to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it's about to explode, and his gut just aches like there's a snake wrapped around his heart! That's why we die earlier, but it's worth it! At least we don't look weak while we're alive. But I got a bigger beef with this interview. Why is Matt Lauer doing it? First off, he doesn't know the history of psychology, Tom Cruise does! That's been proven to my satisfaction. Second, the man's a pansy! Katie Couric would have nailed this guy! She's the only reason I watch that show! Really, the only reason I get up most mornings! Moving on to Tom DeLay.

Bobby:
Stephen?

Stephen Colbert:
Bobby, I'm doing the show right now.

Bobby:
Stephen?

Stephen Colbert:
What is it?

Bobby:
Katie Couric actually announced this morning that she's leaving the Today Show.

Stephen Colbert:
[Stunned] She what?

Bobby:
Yeah, she said she's leaving the Today Show to go anchor the CBS Evening News.

Stephen Colbert:
[after a very long, shocked pause] Oh. Good... well I'm sure she'll do- Katie! [Starts crying] Why? [Has a loud crying fit] No! [Pounds his fist on the desk] No! You're my morning flower! You don't wanna anchor the news, there's no cooking segment! [Points to Bobby] You're a LIAR! She didn't say that! Jimmy, tell me she didn't say that, tell me he's lying! [a clip shows of Katie Couric's announcement that she's leaving the Today Show, ending by saying she and the audience have become friends] We have become friends! Best friends! BFF! Katie, don't leave me with Matt Lauer! I've never gotten over that buzzcut! I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, that just caught me by surprise... well, I'll always have the View. Moving on...

Bobby:
Stephen, Stephen?

Stephen Colbert:
What, Bobby?

Bobby:
It looks actually, also like Meridith Viera is gonna be leaving the View.

Stephen Colbert:
[Crying again] My ladies! My ladies of the View! The six of us had a bond! We were like the Steel Magnolia Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! What do I do with my grief? Jimmy, put up something that's gonna cheer me up! [Clip shows of Tucker Carlson doing circus tricks, which makes Stephen laugh] That's a lot better! I love clowns! [pause] You just gotta keep strong.