The Goodies1970

Tim Brooke-Taylor:
How do we recognize the monster? What does it look like?

Tourism Agent:
Dinnae ask! Dinnae you ask me that! I only saw it the once - never again! Oh-ho, never again!

Bill Oddie:
Why, what happened?

Tourism Agent:
Well, it was like this, y'see. One night... one night I went down to the water for a wee peep. And I listen, and I hear nothin'. The birds have stopped chirpin'. The wind has dropped, and an eerie hush has fallen round about the loch. I looked across the water, and there I see it rising up from the deep - a great humpity back, a monstrous head with slaverin' jaws and great mottled bleary eyes starin' doon at me!

Bill Oddie:
[whimper] I'm frightened...!

Tourism Agent:
And then I see the huge teeth on it - grindin' up a pair of wee cow that it's caught, and spatted out the bones like grape pips! There I stood, face to face, with the legendary monster of Loch Ness. [beat] Of course, I could have been mistaken!