The Joe Schmo Show2003

Ralph Garman:
Come here, come here. Come here, come here. There's something we've been meaning to tell you.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
What's that?

Ralph Garman:
The only real thing on this reality show... is you.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[embarassed] Oh, my God! [Lance cheers]

Ralph Garman:
But that's not... that's not completely true, that's not completely true. Because the prizes are also real as well. And in fact, they're all yours. [The actors all cheer and applaud]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[excited] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T! I...

Ralph Garman:
Remember... Matt? Remember the spa vacation you gave to Dr. Pat?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Yes.

Ralph Garman:
That's yours. Remember the trip to Tahiti that you thought you didn't win?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Yes.

Ralph Garman:
That's yours.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[laughing] What?

Ralph Garman:
The flat screen TV? Yours. But finally... and certainly not least... this check... made out to you for $100,000... is yours! [Everyone cheers and applauds as Ralph hands Matt a giant check for $100,000]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[triumphantly] OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Ralph Garman:
Matt, I think we owe you an explanation. Matt, everything... everything you experienced in this house from your housemates, to the game results, to the eviction votes... it was all very carefully planned and brought to life by these amazing ten actors and hundreds of very hardworking people. All for you. It was all for you, buddy. [everyone cheers wildly]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ask me, now that where I won, where I'm gonna go.

All:
Where you gonna go?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
I'M GOING TO PITTSBURGH! [Everyone cheers and applauds] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ralph Garman:
"The Lap of Luxury..."

Matt Kennedy Gould:
This is insane!

Ralph Garman:
"The Lap of Luxury" is the world's most elaborate cover story. What it is, is you're now the star of your own TV show. [Everyone applauds] We searched... We searched far and wide all over America to find the warmest, kindest, most genuine man we could. And that man is going to go from being the nice guy next door to TV's brightest new star. And that guy is Matt Kennedy Gould! [Everyone cheers as confetti falls from above] The truth is... we don't even know our OWN names. [Everyone laughs]