The State1993

Michael Showalter:
Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people might think that big television stars like us are tempted to engage in some questionable social activities which really bothers us because we know there a lot of impressionable, young viewers out there. So we thought it'd be a good idea as responsible members of the MTV family...

David:
[walks on stage] And it *is* a family...

Michael Showalter:
- to set the record straight. First of all, we don't smoke cigarettes. And that's because we know cigarettes are bad for you.

Ken:
[walks on stage] And they're not sexy or fun to smoke.

Michael Showalter:
That's a really good point, Ken. And we don't drink beer. All day. Every day.

Ben:
[walks on stage] We don't spend our weekends drunk off our ass on Jagermeister smashing car windows...

Joe:
[walks on stage]... and I'm not drunk right now.

Michael Showalter:
And we don't do drugs. That is we don't smoke pot.

Michael Patrick Jann:
[walks on stage] You know, reefer. [makes air quotes]

Kerri:
[walks on stage with Kevin] And you know Special K which is a hospital anesthetic?

Kevin:
We never tried *that* at a party on Greenwich Street and it wasn't *really* cool.

Michael Ian Black:
[walks on stage] And none of us have ever been arrested for shoplifting CD's at Tower Records. Especially me.

Thomas:
[walks on stage] And if you're wondering if we ever picked up 3 underage girls in Georgetown, got them drunk and then crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo, I would have no idea what you were talking about.

Michael Showalter:
So there you have it. The only thing we do that's questionable, and I'm not even sure it is, is sell babies on the black market. I mean we make a lot of young married couples very happy and when you're buying in bulk, the profit margin per unit is just astounding.

[Todd walks on stage holding a baby and all cast members ooh and ahh]

Thomas:
[to the baby] You're my ticket to Monte Carlo, aren't you?

Michael Showalter:
[waving to the camera] Thanks for your time!