Derek and Clive Get the Horn1979

Clive:
I tell you one thing I can't stand.

Derek:
Tell me.

Clive:
About Russia, is the dead bodies in your hotel room.

Derek:
Oh, Blimey, yeah.

Clive:
Because I booked into, you know, a second class hotel, second class hotel, two stars. And, er, I asked, er, room service, erm, you know, for a light meal because I was going sight seeing the next morning. And I said I'd like some chips and, er, steak, medium rare and,er, banana fritter, you know, and this bloke come up to the room and frankly it wasn't what I ordered. He brought up, er, three thousand dissidents.

Derek:
Oh, God.

Clive:
With their testicles attached to electrodes. And I said call this f***ing room service? Not room service, I said. I asked for chips, steak and banana fritters. I get three thousand f***ing dissidents on a tray.

Derek:
What are they trying to pull, eh? They think we're c*nts.

Clive:
I said, if you're expecting a tip, mate, if you're expecting a tip, you can get the f*** out of my hotel room.

Derek:
Yeah.

Clive:
Anyway, they just dumped them down on the floor. All these dissidents. I got talking to them, some nice blokes, actually. There's Sergia, er, Wolankov. Sergia Wolankov.

Derek:
Oh, Wolankov, yeah.

Clive:
He wrote some poetry, he wrote the poem saying, er, the Soviet Union is a khazi, Mr Breznev is a c*nt, and, er, er, I want my freedom, you see. And he published that in a dissident newspaper.

Derek:
I'd rather be room seviced than in prison.

Clive:
I'll say one thing for Russia, the health service is tremendous.

Derek:
Oh, yeah.

Clive:
As soon as you're ill, they kill you.