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Shawn Colfax: So what exactly are we going to say to Coach Shit-for-Words to get out of football camp?Nick Brady: What every kid says to get out of everything he doesn't want to do. [speaking to Coach Byrne] So not only do I find out yesterday I'm adopted, the people I've been calling 'mom' and 'dad' are actually infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me: my birth father, Bruce, he needs a kidney and I'm the only match! And apparently Bruce needs it stat. Mhm, you need it stat, Bruce? HUH? Well maybe I needed a father stat, instead of this stay-at-home-dad who showers me with love every day of my life this goddamn spermless liar! So now I gotta be at Kaiser Permanente tomorrow at 6:00 am. I know. Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital. Managed care. It's ironic, huh? He never managed to care for me.Coach Byrnes: Are you shittin' me? Are you saying you can't go to football coach?Nick Brady: Yeah, but don't make me say it, coach. It's eating me up inside. [sniffle] It's eating me up.

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