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Walter: In books, it's always fantastic with women. One glance and she's yours for life. Or for one night, which is just as good. Try to do that in real life and you'll end up behind bars. My peers, said the papers, started with oral sex at 14, went all the way at 16, had enough of women by 18 and became impotent or serial killers. To protect myself and others, I was a virgin, so I didn't have to worry about premature ejaculation.

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    "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
    A Mirror Mirror
    B The Swan Princess
    C The Princess Bride
    D Robin Hood