[first lines] Swofford: [voice-over] A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. And he goes to war. And afterward, he turns the rifle in at the Armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands-- love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper-- his hands remember the rifle. Drill Instructor Fitch: You are no longer black, or brown, or yellow, or red! You are now Green! You are Light Green or Dark Green! Do you understand?! Recruits: [loudly] SIR, YES, SIR! Drill Instructor Fitch: Swofford. Swofford: Sir, yes, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: You the maggot whose father served in Vietnam? Swofford: Sir, yes, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Outstanding! Did he have the balls to die there? Swofford: Sir, no, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Too fucking bad! Did he ever talk about it? Swofford: Sir, only once, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Good! Then he wasn't lying! [angrily] Are you eyeballing me with those baby blues? ARE YOU?! Swofford: Sir, no, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Are you in love with me, Swofford? Swofford: Sir, no, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Oh, you don't think I look good in my uniform, Swofford? Swofford: Sir, the Drill Sergeant looks fabulous in his uniform, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Oh, so you're gay then, and you love me, huh? Swofford: Sir, I'm not gay, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Do you have a girlfriend, Swofford? Swofford: Sir, yes, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Guess again, motherfucker! Jody's banging her right now. Get on your face and give me 25 for every time she gets fucked this month. Down on your face! Swofford: [voice-over while doing 25 push-ups] It was shortly after meeting Drill Instructor Fitch that I realized that joining the Marine Corps might have been a bad decision. Drill Instructor Fitch: [angrily] What in the fuck is this? [scene cuts out to later in Swofford's training; he and Fitch are standing in front of a chalkboard with a diagram labeled "FOOTLOCKER CONTENTS", drawn by Swofford.] Swofford: Sir, it's the recruit's drawing of a footlocker, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Jesus, Joseph, and doggy-style Mary! That is a pile of dogshit! Swofford: Sir, the recruit's never been good at drawing, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: Why the fuck are you my scribe, then?! Isn't my scribe supposed to know how to draw?! Swofford: Sir, the recruit doesn't know; the recruit thought the scribe was supposed to write, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: [strangles Swofford, and Swofford drops to his knees] 'Course the recruit doesn't know! The recruit doesn't know because I haven't told him! [slapping Swofford's head repeatedly] All right, cum-for-brains, show me exactly... Swofford: Sir-- Drill Instructor Fitch: ...where your Skivvies and running shoes go! Swofford: Sir, the recruit can't think while the Drill Instructor is hitting him on his head, sir! Drill Instructor Fitch: You can't think while I'm giving you a few love taps?! How the fuck are you going to fire your rifle when grenades are going off in your face?! What the fuck are you even doing here?! Swofford: [bellowing in rage] SIR, I GOT LOST ON THE WAY TO COLLEGE, SIR! [Drill Instructor Fitch furiously grabs Swofford's head and bangs it on the chalkboard. He is knocked unconscious as a result to this impact.] Drill Instructor Fitch: Insolent child--for a joke like you, you ain't nothing but a fraud. [to the other recruits] Take him away and dump him back into school--he's going to start his life all over again. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Two of the recruits: Sir, yes, sir. [Two of the recruits advance on Swofford, grab him by the arms, and show him out the door as the movie freeze-frames, and Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin plays.] Swofford: So now, my hands... were dick-skinners. A flashlight was a moon-beam. A pen was an ink stick. My mouth was a cum receptacle. A bed was a rack. A wall was a bulkhead. A shirt was a blouse. A tie was still a tie, and a belt a belt. But many other things would never be the same.

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