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[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes] Todd Ingram: [to Ramona] Hey, Ramona. Ramona: Hey, Todd. Todd: It's been a while. Ramona: Mmm-hmm. Todd: Mmm-hmm? Ramona: [to Scott] I think we should get out of here. Julie: So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now. Envy: Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words. Knives: Um, Envy... [everyone glares at her] I read your blog. Envy: So, Scott and Ramona, eh? Ramona: What of it? Envy: You guys make a cute couple you know. [Todd scoffs] Suit each other. Knives: [pleasurably] You're my role model, Envy. Envy: Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable? Julie: [interrupts] Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York? Envy: [stops Julie, not wanting to explode] I'm talking to Ramona right now. Julie: Ramona lived in New York. Envy: Oh, did she? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theater for Gideon. You know him, right? Knives: [gasps in horror and everyone looks at her; to Envy] I've kissed lips that kissed you! [Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor] Scott: [stands up, horrified] Knives! Todd: [nonchalant] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star. Young Neil: [shocked] Oh, my God. [glares at Todd, angrily] You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott; worried] He punched the highlights out of her hair! Envy: You are incorrigible. Todd: I don't know the meaning of the word. Caption: HE REALLY DOESN'T. [Young Neil leads a shell-shocked Knives away, as Scott angrily stares at Todd] Julie: [changing the subject] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town? Todd: "Fun"? In Toronto? Envy: Ha! Scott: [angrily] THAT'S IT! [slams fists on table as Envy gasps in horror] YOU COCKY COCK! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity! [lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air] [gasping] My neck. [stunned] Your hair. Envy: Didn't you know? Todd's vegan. [Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.] Scott: [coughs] Vegan? Todd: [psychically moves couch out of the way] It's not really that big of a deal. [kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall] Scott: No kidding. [coughs and stands up] Anyone can be vegan. Todd: Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe. Scott: Ovo-what? Todd: I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face. Envy: Short answer: Being vegan just makes you better than most people. Todd: Bingo. [punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.] Stephen: Hey, man, question. I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers? Todd: Okay, you know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey. Kim: [snarky] Did you learn that at Vegan Academy? Todd: [irritated] Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying. [Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him] Scott: [weakly] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain? Ramona: It's not raining. Scott: Oh. Then, why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole. Ramona: Is it really important right now? Scott: Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes. Ramona: [looking defeated] I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him. Scott: Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee? Ramona: Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was really hoping to just...leave it all behind me. Todd: Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he. Scott: "He and me." Todd: Don't you talk to me about grammar. Scott: I dislike you, capisce? Todd: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday. Scott: What? Todd: Because you'll be dust by Monday. Scott: [confused] Ummm... Todd: Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts. Scott: S-so, what's on Monday? Todd: [also confused] Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right? Envy: [sighs] [translating for Todd Ingram] Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you. Scott: [offended] You used to be so NICE! [charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.] Stephen: Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice. Call us when you're done. Envy: Oh, he'll be done. Real soon. Todd: [hears a bass note] Sounds like someone wants to get...funky. [After exchanging bass riffs in a bass battle, Todd wins, psychically breaks Scott's Rickenbacker Bass, and pushes him through 3 walls, having him fall onto a coffee table. Scott sees Todd walk in and gets two coffees] Todd: I can read your thoughts. [psychically] Your will is broken. [normally] You're through. Scott: What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk? Envy: Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic. Todd: Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee] Scott: Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee] Todd: [eyes return to normal, baffled] What are you talking about? Scott: You just drank half-and-half, baby. [Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops his coffee cup, Anime-style. Two Vegan Police Officers come in with their De-Veganizing Rays raised at Todd.] Vegan Police Officer #1: Freeze! Vegan Police! Vegan Police Officer #2: Vegan Police! Vegan Police Officer #1: Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: Imbibement of half-and-half. Todd: Wh--? That's bullroar! Vegan Police Officer #1: No vegan diet, no vegan powers! Todd: But-but, I-- It's only my first offence. D-Don't I get three strikes? I mean-- Vegan Police Officer #1: [to Vegan Police Officer #2] Take it. Vegan Police Officer #2: [whips out notepad] At 12:27 am, on February 1st, you knowingly ingested gelato. [Scott Pilgrim smugly smiles] Todd: Gelato isn't vegan? Vegan Police Officer #1: It's milk and eggs, bitch. Vegan Police Officer #2: [still reading] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook a plate of chicken Parmesan. [Envy gasps in shock, then glares at Todd] Todd: [feeble] Chicken isn't vegan? Vegan Police Officer #1: The De-Veganizing Ray. Hit him!! [both fire De-Veganizing Rays at Todd, stripping him of his powers. Scott tosses his coffee cup behind him, and the Vegan Police Officers step back and blow smoke from their De-Veganizing Rays as Scott steps forward purposefully. Todd's hair sags.] Envy: [gasps] Oh, my God. Todd: [shocked] No. No... Scott: You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone. Todd: [incredulous; his last words] "Ve-gone"? [Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins, thus earning Scott 3,000 points. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Police Officers exit in slow-mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, "YEAH!" as they do.] Scott: [to Envy] Uh...sorry, I guess. Envy: [in disbelief] "Sorry"? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst. Scott: You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie. Envy: [confused] "Natalie"? No one calls me that anymore. Scott: Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get out of here. [he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.] Julie: [appearing out of nowhere] For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now. Envy: [annoyed] Shut the [bleep] up, Julie. Julie: [obliviously] Okay. [scene cuts to Pizza Pizza] Stephen: We're still going to the after-party, right? Kim: I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom. Stephen: Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys. Kim: Then why would we--? [realizing] Oh. Stephen: [to Neil] Neil, you down? [to Scott] Scott, you're in, right? Ramona: You wanna go? Scott: Well...I kind of almost died back there. Ramona: I'm not saying I want to go. Scott: Yeah, we can totally go. Ramona: I'll do whatever you want to do. Scott: So, let's go. ["ABOUT TO E-X-P-L-O-D-E" appears] Ramona: We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around. Scott: No, I'm fine. It's just-- Ramona: "It's just"? Scott: Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass? Ramona: Well, so far, you're not a total ass. Scott: But I'm part ass? Ramona: If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated. Scott: Wait, is that good? Ramona: It's what I need right now. Scott: But not later? Ramona: Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can. Scott: I'd just like to live. [he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.] Ramona: Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage. Scott: Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane? Ramona: Exes. Scott: Whatever. Ramona: No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who? Scott: I believe I broke up with her. Ramona: And was she cool with that? Scott: Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it. Ramona: You're sure about that? Scott: Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy. Knives: [whines] No! Ramona: What about you and Kim? Scott: Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles. Ramona: That's it? Scott: Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed. Ramona: That's really the whole story? Scott: Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better? Ramona: Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club. Scott: I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this. Ramona: Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore. Scott: [rubbing his eyes] I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head. Ramona: Exes. Scott: Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.] [stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier? Ramona: Roxy? Scott: You know this girl? Roxy: Oh, boy, does she know me. Scott: [deeply confused] What is she talking about? Roxy Richter: He really doesn't know? Scott: [realisation dawning] Wait. Roxy: Hmm. [smiles suggestively] [Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT"] Scott: [to Ramona; shocked] You and her?! Ramona: It was just a phase. Roxy: [incensed] "Just a phase"? Scott: You had a sexy phase? Ramona: It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count. Roxy: [angrily] "It meant nothing"?! Ramona: I was just a little bi-curious. Roxy: Well, honey... [cracks knuckles] I'm a little bi-FURIOUS! [performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.] Ramona: Do that again, and I will end you! Roxy: Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken! Ramona: Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]

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