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Davina: I've had a postcard from my boyfriend Vince... That *is* a miracle! He smuggled himself onto one of the trains going through the Channel Tunnel a few days ago. Now he's living as a Trappist monk in a spartan monastery just outside Valletta on the island of Malta. Last time he did this, he was away for twelve years. He came back with a bald patch shaved in the middle of his back and he refused to speak for six months, except to ask for the occasional back rub... Or a wank. When Vince comes back this time, I'm going to nail him to a cross and prop him up outside Tescos in Cricklewood Broadway. They drugs don't work, you know. They just make you worse.

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