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Craig Ferguson: [about his wedding to a Jewish girl] The Jewish tradition of dancing with the bride and groom on their shoulders clashes with the Scottish tradition of no underwear under the kilt. It was particularly embarrassing for me because I've got a huge cock! [Audience laughter] It's a medical condition! [to audience member] You can't tell in these pants, I can feel your eyes boring into me! I had them made in Vegas, there's a secret compartment... I could have a white tiger in here... and in a way I do.

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