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Pat O'Brien: The new Fall TV season is starting, and The Insider has the scoop on all the new series. P.S. to the competition: go fuck yourselves! This year's Amazing Race will be more amazing than ever, now that religious deities are joining the action. [Scene changes to a man and a woman in the middle of a desert with a flat tire] Man: Oh, Jesus, please help us! Jesus! Jesus: I'm here. I've brought you a tire iron, my son. Man: Praise Jesus! [Jesus is fixing the tire when more contestants arrive] Woman on camel: Mr. Christ, please help steer this camel! Man in taxi: Oh, Lord Jesus, we could really go for some cab fair. Man #3: [offscreen] Whoo! Buddha's the way to go, jackass! [Buddha drives onscreen in a motorcycle with the man sitting in a sidecar] Buddha: Buddha's all up in your grill! [drives away] Pat O'Brien: Tired of their liberal shenanigans, Fox owner Rupert Murdoch fired Simpsons creator Matt Groening, and promises same show, brand new attitude this season. [Scene changes to Homer Simpson and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon at the Kwik-E-Mart] Homer: Morning Apu! One order of Freedom Fries, please. Apu: Oh, for the love of my heathen God! They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American! [Suddenly, officers of the Department of Homeland Security barge through the door holding rifles] Homeland Security Officer: Department Of Homeland Security, don't move! Apu: But… [The Department Of Homeland Security officer knocks Apu down with the butt of his rifle and all the officers point their guns at Apu; scene changes to The Simpsons family at a barbeque] Simpsons: Happy birthday, America! Marge: Mmm, I hope Apu has learned his lesson. [Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison] Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America. Lynndie England: Damn straight! Yee-haw! Pat O’Brien: Uh-oh! J.Lo's new bow is a no-go on the phone-o. But take it from P.O., her new line of Day-Glo Faygo will make fans say "HO!" And now we enter day three of our Kirsten Dunst headache watch. Kiki's representatives insist the megastar's just fine, but eyewitness accounts say otherwise. [A woman is at a duty-free shop being interviewed] Woman: I saw Kirsten Dunst in a duty-free store, uh, buying Tylenol. A LOT of it. [Scene changes to a medical expert sitting at his desk] Pat O'Brien: Even medical experts agree. Medical expert: Well, a headache can be indicative of a failed movie deal, or possibly a pregnancy.

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