Chef!, Series Two (1994)

Health Inspector:
You have a cracked tile on your wall, Mr Blackstock. It was there last month.

Gareth:
A cracked tile?

Inspector:
Just above the skirting board.

Gareth:
Should I evacuate the building?

Inspector:
Just have it replaced by next time.

Gareth:
Just tell me how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientèle?

Inspector:
Bacteria collects in the cracks. Food may come into contact with it.

Gareth:
Ah, but bacteria may collect in the grout, all over the kitchen. They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.

Inspector:
That's so, Mr Blackstock. Which is why, as from next year, it will no longer be acceptable.

Gareth:
What...?

Inspector:
As from next year...

Gareth:
You don't mean they're going to outlaw grouting?!

Inspector:
Exactly. Continuous impervious surfacing will be mandatory.

Gareth:
Well that's it isn't it, really? I mean that's the bottom line. That's what you people want, all over the planet: continuous impervious surfacing. Only trouble is, if it ever did break, health inspectors would collect in the cracks!

Winky Waterman:
Gareth Henry Blackstock?

Gareth:
I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service. So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately, I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden chopping board and you won't see the morning.

Winky Waterman:
Gareth Henry Blackstock...

Gareth:
I'll set my cracked tile loose on you!

Winky Waterman:
My name is...

Gareth:
Problems with the hearing, eh? There's the door. You: walk through it, closey-closey after you. Otherwise, blood everywhere. Even in the grouting. Grieving relatives. Orphaned children. Long court case. Acquittal due to extreme provocation. Compensatory award to me from public funds. Bad business all round. Nuf said? And if you have any further business with me, I'll see you in an hour or so. Goodbye.