The Golden Girls, Season 3

Rose:
Sophia, are you busy?

Sophia:
Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.

Rose:
Why?

Sophia:
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!

Rose:
I have a problem.

Sophia:
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.

Rose:
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!

Sophia:
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?

Rose:
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!

Sophia:
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.

Blanche:
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?

Sophia:
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.

Dorothy:
[enters] Ma, I have a problem.

Sophia:
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?

Dorothy:
Yes.

Sophia:
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!

Blanche:
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?

Sophia:
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.

Rose:
What happened to it, Sophia?

Sophia:
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!

Dorothy:
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?

Sophia:
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!