Little Britain, Series One

Dad:
Hi, you - open for afternoon tea?

Ray McCooney:
Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not

[He plays the flute.]

Dad:
Oh, OK.

[He starts to walk out.]

Ray McCooney:
N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.

[He shows them to a table]

Mum:
Oh, what an adorable little place.

Kimberley:
It smells funny in here.

Mum:
[whispers] Kimberley!

Ray:
I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.

[He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]

Ray:
Here I am with the cake trolley.

Mum:
Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?

Kimberley:
I want the chocolate cake.

Mum:
OK, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?

Ray:
Yeeeeees.

Mum:
What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?

Ray:
Yeeeeees.

Dad:
Well which?

Ray:
If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.

[He plays the flute]

Dad:
OK, so does the cake contain nuts?

Ray:
[picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.

Dad:
[takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?