Monk, Season 2

Sharona:
[watching Gail's performance] What do you think so far?

Monk:
There's no legroom. It's so crowded.

Sharona:
It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?

Monk:
So where is she?

Sharona:
She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.

Monk:
I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]

Sharona:
There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]

Hal Duncan:
[as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.

Gail Fleming:
But you're supposed to be in jail!

Hal Duncan:
It's funny that phrase, "supposed to be". I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on "supposed to be" the way he used to.

Gail Fleming:
You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-

Hal Duncan:
Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.

[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]

Gail Fleming:
I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?

Hal Duncan:
You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]

Hal Duncan:
Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.

Gail Fleming:
You know, if you don't leave, I'll-

Hal Duncan:
You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]

Gail Fleming:
Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?