Monk, Season 5

[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the morning after he first meets Derek Bronson]

Monk:
Any more soap?

Natalie:
That's it.

Monk:
No, I mean, is there any more soap in San Francisco?

Natalie:
Mr. Monk, you've been scrubbing your hand for nine hours! I'm surprised you have any skin left!

Monk:
It's not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it's spreading. [Pulls out a can from under the sink]

Natalie:
What are you doing? Is that kerosene?! [Monk douses his hand and tosses a match to Natalie]

Monk:
Light me!

Natalie:
What?

Monk:
For the love of God, light me!

Natalie:
Okay, Mr. Monk, I'm not gonna light your hand on fire!

Monk:
Fine. [Monk goes over to the stove, puts his left hand over his eyes, and screams as he tries to put his hand into a boiling pot. Natalie stops him]

Natalie:
You know what? You know what? Get away! You are overreacting, all right! All you did was shake a man's hand!

Monk:
You're right. You know what? I'm glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper, and I survived.

Natalie Teeger:
Exactly!

Monk:
The worst moment of my life is behind me now. [wipes his hand] I'm free. Wait. [rotates a pot handle in his cabinet] Okay, now, I'm free.

Natalie:
Actually, Mr. Monk, it's not completely over. Don't be mad, but I talked to Mr. Bronson.

Monk:
You did what? What?!

Natalie:
He called here this morning.

Monk:
The leper! He called me? On what phone? On this phone?! [points to the kitchen phone]

Natalie:
Yes. [Monk pulls a roll of paper towel, wraps the phone in it, and puts it in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can't catch anything over the phone!

Monk:
Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Now all of a sudden, you're an expert on lepers?!

Natalie:
Okay, you know? Mr. Monk, he's a nice man, all right? He's in pain! He was crying his eyes out and…okay, listen to me. He upped his offer: he said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again!

Monk:
Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you: No!

Natalie:
That's it? That's your argument?

Monk:
Okay, let's go through it. A: whatever he's asking us to do is probably illegal. "B" through "Z": the man is a leper!

Natalie:
You know what, I don't know anything about leprosy, and neither do you. So, I called a doctor. He's a specialist. He said we could come in, and talk with him. Let's just see what he recommends, okay? I mean, it can't hurt to listen, right? $25,000!