Rescue Me, Season 5

Sheila:
My husband was a firefighter when we met in high school, in his mind. His uncle Mike, Tommy's dad, had been a firefighter. His uncle Teddy. He and Tommy, that's the only thing they ever thought of being. So when I saw that new footage of Jimmy...it made me happy. I can't explain it, but I knew that he didn't...that he wasn't in the first building.

Geneviéve:
But all the reports were saying that...

Sheila:
Do you know that feeling that you get when you just, like, so barely escape a car crash? You know, someone suddenly stops short or races in front of you at an intersection, and you think to yourself for a second, like, right as you slam the brakes, like, "oh. Oh! Okay, this might be it." You know? And all the air skips out of your lungs, and your heart feels like it's gonna explode with fright, and your skin sits up real tight on your bones, and there's this huge rush of breath and blood and... That shiver just shot, like, right through me, but not when the first building fell. It was during the second. I knew that Jimmy was gone during the second collapse. I stopped breathing. My eyes-I couldn't blink. My hands froze up like claws. And I thought to myself, "oh, we're never going to finish the kitchen." You know, cause we were working on the kitchen, putting in new counters and cabinets and stuff. And as those first floors began to tumble down...I mean, like, I don't know, however long it took, like, eleven seconds, my whole life, my love, the way I wake up in the morning every day, the way I go to sleep every night, all of that just changed forever. Floor by floor, I just disappeared. When you lose that one person that you, you know, were meant to be with for the rest of your life so unexpectedly and so soon, I don't- It's like, you know, who can walk into your... Real love? It's just gone. Talk. Touch. Sex. And breakfast. It's funny, you know. I totally thought that I was going to just go fetal and curl up in a ball and...and cry. But I didn't. I made arrangements. I carried my husband's helmet to the funeral. I listened to the mayor and the chief and Tommy talk about my husband. I buried him. I held my son as he cried against my shoulder, and I tucked him in that way every night for months. And then I went fetal for five years. Among many other things, I- I completely zeroed in on Tommy because he was the closest thing that I could find on this entire earth to replace Jimmy. I cursed Tommy. I slept with Tommy. I blamed Tommy. I made Tommy breakfast. Tommy finished my kitchen. I know that Tommy is haunted by Jimmy's death, literally. And I...I...I think that sometimes Tommy wishes that Jimmy had lived, and that he had died in Jimmy's place. And so do I.