Stargate SG-1, Season 7

[Emmett Bregman is attempting to interview all the top officers of the SGC, including SG-1]

Bregman:
Col. O'Neill. Hi. I'm-

Col. O'Neill:
[walking right past him] I like vanilla over chocolate, my favorite color is peridot, I think Tibet should be free, and if I could have dinner with anyone in the world, it'd be Mary Steenburgen.

Bregman:
No-no, I'm just trying… Mary Steenburgen?

Col. O'Neill:
I think she's nice.

[Jackson has just led Bregman's camera crew on a chase through the SGC to his office, just to pick up a fax, which he reads aloud.]

Bregman:
What is the, uh…what is the significance of that?

Dr. Jackson:
It's fascinating.

Bregman:
It's fasc…Okay. [to his crew] Back up. Back up. [back to Daniel] Uh, that's it? It's "fascinating"? Then why were we running?

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, uh, I just wanted to see if you'd chase me. [grins]

[Carter gives a whole long presentation on the Stargate's inner workings]

Bregman:
…could we get a shot of the Gate spinning?

Maj. Carter:
[sarcastically] Sure. It's really cool. Steam comes out of it and everything.

[SG-13 is exploring a new planet, heavily forested]

Col. Dixon:
I don't see any indication of anything here.

Dr. Balinsky:
Take the usual bet on that, sir?

Col. Dixon:
Sure. Wells?

Airman Wells:
Abandoned naquadah mine.

Col. Dixon:
Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?

Bosworth:
I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.

Col. Dixon:
Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.

Airman Wells:
Hostile or friendly, sir?

Col. Dixon:
One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?

Dr. Balinsky:
Oh, the ruins of an ancient city.

Col. Dixon:
Yeah, you wish.

Col. Dixon:
Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate them in their sleep.

Airman Wells:
Sir, you have four kids.

Col. Dixon:
Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much? Don't get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.

Airman Wells:
Then why did you have four?

Col. Dixon:
Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.

Airman Wells:
Can't wait, sir.

Col. Dixon:
Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.

[SG-13 finds a ruined city]

Dr. Balinsky:
Oh, Dr. Jackson's gonna die when he sees this!

Col. Dixon:
What, again?

Col. O'Neill:
I though as much sir. And I just wanted to express my deep and unyielding... love for you sir.