WWE Raw, 2014

Paul:
Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!

Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, Brock Lesnar!

Brock:
I love it when you say that. Say that again please.

Paul:
Brock Lesnar! Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking any superstar; we're talking a top superstar. And not just any top superstar; we're talking the top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one man in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.

And as I stood right here [pointing to the ringside floor], with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, "never give up," John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote The History of WWE right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.

Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? [Imitates buzzer] Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred still dies! Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation died and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!

And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.

Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!

Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...[waves hand in front of face like...] John Cena.