Blackadder

Blackadder:
I just don't understand it. Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England? [as his words sink in, Blackadder has a realisation] Baldrick? That little job that fell into your lap? It wasn't, by any chance, something to do with an Axe, a basket, a little black mask and the king of England?

Baldrick:
No.

Blackadder:
Go on...

Baldrick:
I couldn't find a basket.

Blackadder:
You very small, total bastard! [grabs a meat cleaver and holds it to Baldrick's throat]

Baldrick:
Sir, please don't kill me, I have a cunning plan to save the king

Blackadder:
Forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy, your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about impressive as Stumpy Oleg McNoLeg's personal best in the Market Harbor marathon! [sighes] All right, what's the plan?

Baldrick:
This. [holds up a pumpkin]

Blackadder:
A pumpkin is going to save the king?

Baldrick:
But here I have one that I made earlier. [holds up a pumpkin with a face and wig] I will cover his real head with a cloak and balance the pumpkin on top and cut that off instead and the king survives.

Blackadder:
I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. You see, when you've cut it off you have to hold it before the crowd and say "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will shout back "No, it isn't. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic mustache drawn on it!"

Baldrick:
I suppose it's not 100 percent convincing...

Blackadder:
It's not 1 percent convincing, Baldrick. However, I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can. [Baldrick does so]