Blackadder

[Baldrick opens the door to find Queen Victoria, Prince Albert and their aide prepared to give Blackadder a reward for his generosity.]

Queen Victoria:
We are Queen Victoria.

Baldrick:
What, all three of you?

Queen Victoria:
[laughes] My dear little hobgoblin...here is our Royal Seal [she presents it to Baldrick, who goes down on one knee]. We are here to present your master with £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder for being the kindest man in England!

Baldrick:
Lovely, your Majesty. [Blackadder, not realising what's going on, storms over]

Blackadder:
Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do if you didn't slam the door in the faces of these scrounging loafers?!

Baldrick:
But, Mr. Blackadder, it's-! [As promised, Blackadder slams the door in Baldrick's face, then slams it shut on the royals]

Blackadder:
I am not at home to guests! [the royals let themselves in again]

Prince Albert:
I flatter myself, we are rather special guests.

Blackadder:
[not realising who they are] But of course! I must apologise; it is not often that one receives a Christmas visit from two distinguished guests!

Prince Albert:
Ah, so you recognise us at last?

Blackadder:
Yes, unless I'm very much mistaken, you're the winner of the "Round Britain Shortest, Fattest, Dumpiest Woman" competition! And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's "Stupidest Accent Award" is really quite overwhelming! [Victoria and Albert look mortified]

Queen Victoria:
Sir, I cannot believe-!

Blackadder:
Cork it, fatso! Don't you realise that this is the Victorian Age where, apart from Queen Piglet Features herself, [Albert covers her ears] women and children are to be seen and not heard!?

Prince Albert:
[outraged] Queen Piglet Features!?

Blackadder:
Yes, Empress Oink, as lads call her! The only person in the kingdom that looks dafter than her is that stupid frankfurter of a husband! [Albert covers his own ears] "The Pig and the Prig", we call them! How they ever managed to produce their 112 children is quite beyond me! The bed chambers at Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds!

Queen Victoria:
Sir, we have never been so insulted in our entire lives! [they storm out]

Blackadder:
Well, all I can say is you've been damned lucky!