'Allo 'Allo!, Series 7

[Helga arrives at Herr Flick's headquarters]

Herr Flick:
My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace.

[Herr Flick wants to interrogate Madame Fanny, who is in jail, by getting Von Smallhausen arrested too]

Helga:
What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit Herr Flick?

Herr Flick:
It is not yet decided.

Helga:
Could he not climb into the Colonel's office and steal the petty cash?

Herr Flick:
That is a good idea Helga. My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you. As a reward you may kiss me.

[Colonel Von Strohm is in a bad mood with Von Flockenstuffen and takes it out on Captain Bertorelli]

Colonel Von Strohm:
Get out, and whilst you're out why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat restuffed.

Captain Bertorelli:
Good idea. I go and chase a bird or two. (Pinches Helga's bottom on the way out.)

[General Von Klinkerhoffen is in hospital in a straitjacket. He is talking into the telephone which is next to the fruit bowl when General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber visit]

General Von Klinkerhoffen:
Hello Operator. Get me Berlin at once.

Operator:
I'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself.

Von Klinkerhoffen:
You incompetent idiot. Come back.

[General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber enter the room]

Von Flockenstuffen:
Yes. I hope the General will be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence.

Von Klinkerhoffen:
What is your name, rank and number? Talk to me. If you will not reply I will have you court martialed.

Gruber:
[Aside to Von Flockenstuffen] He's talking to the fruit.

Von Flockenstuffen:
On second thoughts, I think we'll keep him in for the time being.

[Edith implores René to help Madame Fanny to escape from jail]

Edith:
Mama is not well. How will she endure the hardships of prison life? The isolation, the damp, the lack of gin?

René:
She is only the local nick. She has not been sent to Devil's Island... Yet, anyway.