2 Broke Girls, Season 5

Sophie:
Well, it happened.

Max:
Ryan Seacrest came out?

Sophie:
Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true!

Caroline:
Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?

Sophie:
Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.

Max:
Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.

Dannon:
All the businesses on that block are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre.

Caroline:
Oh, my God!

Max:
I know! Another Max is getting plowed on our block?

Max:
Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Caroline:
Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money.

Randy:
Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.

Oleg:
Dongs. The answer is dongs.

Sophie:
C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.

Max:
Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.

Max:
Oh... my... God. It finally happened. Someone doesn't wanna have sex with me! He said he gotta be at work early. Isn't that weird?

Caroline:
That you're dating a guy with a job? Yeah, that is weird.

Max:
Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles...

Caroline:
Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life?

Max:
He has two.

Caroline:
Two what?

Max:
Owen has two penises! Why is it so hard to understand?

Caroline:
Is that a thing that can happen?

Oleg:
Yes, it's called diphallia. I just Googled it. It's a medical condition in which a male is born with two penises. The only case in which two dongs make a right.

Han:
According to Netflix, last night I watched half the Taken‍'‍s and all the Insidious‍'‍es-es. All of them!

Max:
Relax. You probably just sleep-watched them. And you probably also sleep-ordered 28 boxes of tampons on Amazon.

Han:
Max, you hacked into my accounts? That's illegal! And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of!

Caroline:
Not much of a hack when the password is "Hanstoppable."

Earl:
That's a breach of trust, girls. Did you order me those shoes?

Han:
Dammit! I should have gone with "Han Golden Pond."

Bernard:
And is this your same-sex partner?

Max:
I will be if that gets me in the will.

Caroline:
Bernard, this is Max. She's my roommate.

Bernard:
Yes, that's what we called them back in the day.

Caroline:
I'm Periscoping.

Max:
Isn't periscoping when you do mouth stuff on a guy while he keeps a lookout for the cops?

Caroline:
Not all sex has to involve the threat of an arrest, Max. Periscope is a social media app that streams live videos to your followers. Tell everyone in Brooklyn who loves food festivals that we'll be at the Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.

Max:
Or you can follow me into the bathroom while I change, and they can see some bushwick right now.

[Max and Caroline have VIP tickets for Oleg's cousin's basketball game]

Caroline:
Where are the fliers? I bet we could get a lot of business there.

Max:
No! We are not doing business! Tonight is supposed to be fun.

Caroline:
Well, I find business fun, but okay. One day, you will appreciate my ambition.

Max:
And one day, I will try lettuce, but not tonight. No fliers.

Caroline:
No fliers.

Max:
No fliers.

Caroline:
I just think this is a missed opportunity.

Max:
"Missed Opportunity" was my stripper name at the Salty Dog. Look, I don't wanna work tonight. Which also happened to be my catchphrase.