Top Gear

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too warm. That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics. It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!

James:
Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.

Jeremy:
Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot. [pause; Jeremy laughs] I've just realised what I said then.

James:
[laughs] I know.

James:
This is speed skating. Which in the proper Olympics involves a lot of men in condoms, slithering about.

James:
With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target.

Jeremy:
[producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90] Not only is he using the wrong car, he's using the wrong gun. A .22 is alright when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these: a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol. That's on fully automatic... EAT LEAD Olympic target! [he fires an entire magazine in fully automatic mode and misses all five targets]

[after emptying an entire magazine at the 2nd targets and only managing to cut down a tree, he waits at the Penalty gate, hysterial with frustration]

Jeremy:
STEVIE WONDER COULD'VE DONE BETTER!

Jeremy:
Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yoghurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars... On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

Jeremy:
[when introducing the two wheel drive Jaguar XK] Old Jags were all full of wood and pipe tobacco, it was like being inside.. James May. But this one.. is like being inside.. James Kirk.

[testing his Land Rover Discovery on a makeshift ice circuit]

James:
This is the best way to get the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD; intelligent differentials; intelligent traction control; not just booting it, and shouting.

Richard:
Up until now, Suzuki has been well known for making small Jeeps and our Reasonably Priced Car. Everything else they made is about as interesting as that pine tree.. [points to another few pine trees] or no maybe that one, that one and that one to the left.

[after learning James and Jeremy plan to rocket a mini down a ski slope]

Richard:
I am staying!

[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]

Jeremy:
...in the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!"

Jeremy:
Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...

James:
No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.

[on building a snow bank at the bottom of the ski slope]

Richard:
[to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]

Jeremy:
I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].

Richard:
Right.

[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]

Richard:
Righto.

Jeremy:
What a complete...

Richard:
I'll make some adjustments.

Jeremy:
Did nobody tell you?!

Richard:
[shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!

[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]

Richard:
That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.

[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]

Jeremy:
I declare the "Top Gear Suzuki Swift Car/Ice Hockey Cha" open!"

Jeremy:
Ok! The blue team captained by Captain Slow, that's primetime television. The red team captained by Richard Phillip Schofield Hammond, that's daytime television.

[Jeremy howls]

James:
He's great isn't he? Give him a megaphone, he's happy!

Player:
Do you have any vacuum cleaner?

Jeremy:
A vacuum cleaner?

Player:
Yes, clean the seats.

Jeremy:
Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!

Jeremy:
You've just let me down.

James:
Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.

Player:
That was my wife.

James:
It was his wife.

Jeremy:
Yes, it was your wife.

[While playing a game of ice hockey]

Jeremy:
Hammond, in the sin bin!

Richard:
I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?

Jeremy:
Go on ITV, you go in the sin bin. It's that simple.

Richard:
[voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.

James:
[scoring a goal] Yeah!

Richard:
Oh, come on, ref!

Jeremy:
Hammond, you may rejoin…

[Hammond drives a few feet forward]

Jeremy:
…and that's the end of the game, everybody!

Jeremy:
Some time the next afternoon, it was morning.

[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]

James:
This has never been done before.

Richard:
No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!

James:
No one has ever done it before because they probably would be killed to death.

[At the end of the car vs. man in Arctic conditions film]

Richard:
So, if you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a Hammond.

[This special episode of Top Gear is entirely a race from Resolute in Canada to the North Magnetic Pole].

[explaining the modifications made to his Toyota Hilux on what appears to be a sunny day]

Jeremy:
...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since it is currently [looks at his watch] 11:30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.

Jeremy:
Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.

[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]

James:
Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.

Jeremy:
[shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]

Doctor:
Should we go straight to the frozen penis?

[An image of a frostbitten penis is shown on screen, the three react in horror]

Doctor:
He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.

Richard:
How do you walk with your willy hanging out?

Doctor:
Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.

Richard:
Well, it's more than disorganised!

Jeremy:
It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground - he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...

[Richard is helping a dog out of it's harness]

Richard:
In the meantime, we'd cleared Bathurst Island. But the brutal pace was starting to fray my temper.

[he hands Matty the harness]

Matty:
Thanks. Did you want to see if it fits? We need a new lead dog...

Richard:
[menacingly] Well, you could try, but there's nobody else here, and I have a shovel. I wouldn't.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]

Jeremy:
We were then taught how to erect a tent. Our instructor was a former Special Forces soldier who arrived with a pixelated face... and he was very bossy.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps:
after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]

Special Forces Soldier with the pixellated face:
That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!

Jeremy:
[confused] How dare you...

Special Forces Soldier:
Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!

[Jeremy does so]

Richard:
Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.

Richard:
That looked awful.

James:
I'm... I'm staggered.

Richard:
Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.

Richard:
[voiceover, as he is blown backwards by polar winds while trying to ski] Back in Resolute, I was glad I'd had the talk from Ranulph, but not so glad that I'd had a skiing lesson from Clarkson.

Richard:
[to Jeremy] What?

Jeremy:
You're not very good.

Richard:
That's because you taught me the wrong kind of skiing! This is cross-country! You did downhill! You may as well have taught me to play the banjo!

Jeremy:
Who do you think's going to win this race?

James:
I think we're all going to die.

Jeremy:
Let's go to the pole!

[on Richard]

Jeremy:
He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.

[trying to erect a tent in a high Arctic winds]

James:
How [bleep]ing monstrous is this?

Jeremy:
It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.

Richard:
The silence is... beautiful.

Jeremy:
Based on... no knowledge at all, we decided to push on in our three ton truck.

Jeremy:
I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.

James:
What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?

Jeremy:
What?

James:
A gin and tonic.

Jeremy:
Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.

James:
I'll make you one.

Jeremy:
What?

[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]

Jeremy:
[laughs in surprise] You've got gin!

James:
I have.

Jeremy:
And because we're in international waters there's no drink-driving laws.

James:
Exactly.

Jeremy:
Got any ice? [looks around him and starts to laugh] That's a stupid question, isn't it?

James:
Could you just slow down while I slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?

Jeremy:
Now this is Arctic exploration. And please, do not write to us about drinking and driving. Because I'm not driving, I'm sailing.

[Cooking in the tent with James producing gourmet food from his hidden stash, the night before they enter the first big boulder field]

James:
What would those salmon eggs go really well with?

Jeremy:
Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.

James:
Like a Chablis really.

Jeremy:
Yes. So do we get... [James produces a wine bottle from behind him] Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!

James:
I knew you'd like that.

Jeremy:
A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin!

James:
That's very flat over there...

Jeremy:
James, we're out.

[the two get out and dance around happily]

Jeremy:
[rejoicing] We've made it! [lies down on his front] It's flat! It's so smooth, and no more going up and down...! [groaning] Oh...

[voiceover]

Jeremy:
It had taken three days of almost non-stop driving, but this incredible machine had breached what the experts had said would be an impregnable wall. It had taken on the impossible... and it had won.

Jeremy:
The fact is, though, that two middle-aged men, deeply unfit and mostly drunk, had made it, thanks entirely to the incredible machine that took us there. They said we'd never get to the Pole because of the damage the car has already done to the ice cap. Perhaps then that's what we've proved most of all, really. The inconvenient truth is, it doesn't appear to have even scratched the surface.

Jeremy:
We are now the most northern people in the world... apart from Michael Parkinson obviously.

[James chuckles]

Jeremy:
[on seeing a polar bear with its cubs] Oh, it's got babies. [turns to the camera] Sweeeeeeeeeet! [voiceover] Not being Attenborough, I couldn't think of anything else to say.

[on the Big Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!

[at a car dealer in Miami]

Jeremy:
It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...

[the obese car dealer arrives to show the vehicle]

Jeremy:
Very popular with murderers, these cars.

Obese Car Dealer:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
[To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?

Car Dealer:
A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-

Jeremy:
I'll be murdered.

Car Dealer:
Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]

Jeremy:
He's not joking!

Car Dealer:
It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]

Jeremy:
[takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.

Car Dealer:
Welcome to United States.

[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]

Jeremy:
[to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.

Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.):
Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.

Jeremy:
You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?

Robert:
The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.

Jeremy:
Why, by someone buying a car?

Robert:
He killed the guy.

Jeremy:
HE killed the guy?

Robert:
He killed the guy.

Jeremy:
So why have you got telescopic sights on here?

Robert:
Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.

[cut to Richard answering his phone]

Jeremy:
Hammond.

Richard:
Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?

Jeremy:
Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.

Richard:
[looks panicked] What?

Jeremy:
Good bye. [hangs up]

[cut to Jeremy] Jeremy:
Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?

[cut to Richard, confused]:
Is it south or north of 79th street? I can't go.

[cut to Richard walking along a street] (voiceover) Richard:
I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th street itself.

Jeremy:
He's wearing cowboy boots... he's gonna be shot!

[regarding James being late]

Jeremy:
He will have walked into a dealership - [imitating James' voice] "Hello!" - and they'll have shot him!

[Richard laughs]

[regarding James' Cadillac]

James:
It isn't fast, b-

Richard:
You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"

Jeremy:
[on Richard's pick-up truck] You saw Brokeback Mountain and thought "I want a piece of that life." Not that piece, I'll have the pick-up truck.

Jeremy:
[Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.

Richard:
This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.

Jeremy:
[Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...

James:
Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.

Richard:
He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!

Richard:
[imitating a lorry driver in Florida] It's raining, I'm going north and I'm looking for a whore!

[James May explaining the artwork on his car]:
To understand what Jeremy has done to the car, you must understand that this is deep Republican territory. That woman is the Arch-Democrat. She's the Anti-Christ.

[Jeremy and the others are passing into Alabama and notice bullet-holes in the sign]

Jeremy:
They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?

[escaping the redneck gas station]

Jeremy:
I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]

[As the trio decides to flee the gas station]

James:
Hammond?

Richard:
What?

James:
Jump leads!

Richard:
You're joking...

[after wiping of the "offending" artwork]

Jeremy (narrating):
With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.

Jeremy:
I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.

James:
God in heaven, that was actually frightening.

Richard:
They could've killed us!

Jeremy:
They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.

[discussing their challenge to eat road-kill]

Richard:
'Well that's okay. [to Jeremy] You can prepare it, wash it and such, I can cook it and James can dress for dinner!

Jeremy:
[while carrying a tortoise off the road] Urgh! Don't do that, tortoise! [Drops tortoise]

Jeremy:
How can you get... there's no wild tortoises here.

Richard:
Well, they gotta be somewhere.

Jeremy:
It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.

Richard:
How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!

[Jeremy laughs]

Richard:
I am not peeling a squirrel!

Richard:
I'm thinking how long I've been out in the sun, putting that tent up. Because what I'm seeing-and you'll love this-is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.

[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]

Jeremy:
What we've got to do now is...

Richard:
...peel it.

[Jeremy laughs]

Jeremy:
A bit of cheese with that would be delicious.

Richard:
Hey Jeremy! I'm better. I can no longer see a cow on your roof!

Jeremy:
If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn; you got your Best Western; you got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday programme-it's the truth.

[on the devastation in New Orleans]

Jeremy:
How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?

[Closing remarks]

Jeremy:
So, this week we have two Top Gear Top Tips for you. Firstly, yes, you can buy instead of rent, and secondly, don't go to America!

Jeremy:
[reading challenge] "The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel drive cars because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it. You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel drive cars from here, at Botswana's Eastern border with Zimbabwe..." [points at armed border guards] which is there... "1000 miles to its Western border with Namibia. That's right across the spine of Africa."

[Awkward silence]

James:
I'm confident.

James:
[James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.

Jeremy:
No!

James:
Brilliantly interesting [points to the Opel] brilliantly stylish [points to the Lancia Beta] but stupid.

Richard:
But...

Jeremy:
Why's mine stupid?

Richard:
Wha...where is yours? [James points to behind him] Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.

[After James drives off without Jeremy and Richard]

Jeremy:
He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right. Into...

Richard:
Zimbabwe!

Jeremy:
Yes, Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.

[James' car is seen driving hastily away in the other direction, prompting laughter]

[Driving his Opel Kadett down the road in Africa]

Richard:
This is just the happiest car in the world! I shall call it Oliver! Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.

[After they reach their first campsite]

Jeremy:
[reading challenge] "Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi. These are the biggest salt flats in the world. Almost completely lifeless, and as wide as Portugal. No car has ever driven across them. If you run out of water, you will die. If your car breaks down, and you can't be rescued, you will die. If you run out of food, you will die. It's like driving on a creme brulee. There's a primeval ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust. If you have thin tyres, you will break through that crust, get stuck, and you will die." So it advises to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off. Well how hard can it be?

Richard:
Don't say that!

[Shedding weight from the cars]

James:
[Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.

[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]

James:
Thanks, awfully.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.

[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]

Jeremy:
I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?

[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]

Jeremy:
AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!

James:
Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]

Richard:
[voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...

[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]

Richard:
I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.

Jeremy:
Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.

James:
[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?

Jeremy:
[voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.

Jeremy:
[to James] I've got consumption and TB.

James:
[coughs heavily]

Jeremy:
I've got every single 1920's disease.

James:
[to Jeremy] Can I point something out?

Jeremy:
What?

James:
Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.

Jeremy:
I know exactly what he's doing.

James:
He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.

Jeremy:
It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"

[Jeremy and James laugh]

James:
Can I just say...

Jeremy:
What?

James:
You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.

Jeremy:
No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.

Jeremy:
[to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?

Richard:
I do, actually.

[Following a race across loose sand, which ends at a bridge]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] The rally stage had taken its toll on one of the cars. Take a guess which one.

Jeremy:
I'm in a car which, as you can probably hear, has got a throttle that's jammed wide open and I can't hold it on the brakes! [into the radio] Hammond, move! You're going to have to go faster or I'll hit you!

Richard:
What? [crash]

Jeremy:
Oh, God!

Richard:
Thanks, well help yourself to my brakes?! Why not?!

Jeremy:
I've lost a skull!

James:
Monkeys! [points out window]

[While stopped at a river and observing the wildlife]

Jeremy:
[pointing] Wow, look! Look! A hippo's head!

James:
Well, it's probably a whole hippo. It's just the rest of him's under the water.

Richard:
What does a hippo do just before it's about to attack?

James:
Opens its mouth.

Jeremy:
Opens its mouth. It can open its jaws, a thing it can do.

James:
[spotting a herd of elephants] Oh, look.

Richard:
Oh, look at that.

Jeremy:
They've stopped for a drink. Using their noses to shovel water into their mouths.

Richard:
Jeremy, that's a rubbish commentary.

Richard:
[voiceover] James took over.

James:
That one's lifting it's-sort of a paw up, a bit like a dog does.

Jeremy:
Paw?

James:
Hoof. Foot. Whatever. What is it on an elephant? It's amazing.

Jeremy:
[quietly, gesturing to a group of tourists nearby] There's a man over there with the best comb over I have ever seen in my life.

[they all look at the man through their binoculars]

James:
That is... he's got four partings as a result of that. Do you see?

Richard:
[quietly] You're bald! Live with it!

[The man turns around and spots them]

Jeremy:
Whoops, he caught me looking. [laughing]

Richard:
[laughing] I was looking through the binoculars. [imitates, then turns around sharply] Sorry!

[later]

Jeremy:
Look at that sun now, boys. Elephants, rally special stage, best comb over I've ever seen.

Richard:
Everything's here.

[While camped out for the evening, Richard and Jeremy try to hide a cow's head in James' tent when a group of hippos appear outside]

Jeremy:
They spend all day out in the water, and then they come out at night because... I can't remember why.

Richard:
Well, thank you. That's useful. Thank you.

Jeremy:
Look, do you want to go out there, with a hippopotamus, or stay in here with the horse's head.

Richard:
That's not a question that's ever been asked.

Jeremy:
It's not a horse, either. It's a cow.

Richard:
Um, hang on. That's my bag in James' tent...? [realizes] This is my tent!

Jeremy:
[laughing hysterically]

Richard:
Oh, man! Get it out!

[As his car sinks in the river]

Richard:
Float! Float! OLIVER!!!

[on African Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.

[In Maun. While his co-presenters rebuild their cars in preparation for the drive across the Okavango Delta, Richard, who did not drastically modify his car earlier, sits inside it, bored.]

Richard:
I suppose I'd better practice my lion drill. [mock surprise] "Oh, no. There's a lion coming. Ahh! [closes his door] What shall I do?" That! [points to the door, knocking on it] Oliver will protect me. [nods]

James:
[reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."

Jeremy:
That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]

James:
In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.

Jeremy:
What about the honey badger?

Richard:
The what?

Jeremy:
The honey badger.

James:
That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.

Jeremy:
A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.

Richard:
It does not!

James:
Why's it called the honey badger?

Richard:
Exactly!

Jeremy:
That's what's made it angry.

Richard:
Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"

Jeremy:
[narrating, about the Okavango Delta] This is where amateur cameramen come to make a name for themselves with Attenborough. But unfortunately, our film crew are best, really, with cars.

[There is footage of the crew making poor attempts to film the wildlife as they pass]

Jeremy:
[speaking into his radio] If we ever do a show called "the back end of an animal..."

Richard:
[mimicking announcer] This week, on "Too Late to Look..."

[Introducing the special from the studio]

Jeremy:
Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.

James:
No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.

Richard:
Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.

Jeremy:
So, sit back, enjoy the ride.

[Reading the first part of the challenge]

Jeremy:
Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p, you're standing in the world's biggest Pound shop. You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels for fifteen million đồng.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Delighted that for once the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms. [out loud] I love having inches of money! [voiceover] But our joy was short lived as James discovered when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.

James:
[pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?

Salesman:
Uh, five hun- five hundred and sixty million Việt đồng.

James:
Five hundred and sixty million?

Salesman:
Yeah

James:
How much is fifteen million đồng?

Salesman:
Just about one thousand U.S. dollar.

[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]

Jeremy:
I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok-four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time-in the four or five years since they've been here-to get cheap.

Richard:
So there are no bangers.

James:
Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.

[James gets Jeremy's attention and gestures to the motorbikes behind them]

Jeremy:
No.

James:
Go on.

Richard:
Look around us, what do we see everywhere?

Jeremy:
You know I can't do that.

James:
Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!

Richard:
It's our only option.

Jeremy:
I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...

Richard:
It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.

James:
Come on!

Jeremy:
No.

James:
Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.

[Jeremy describing his bike without any of the enthusiasm the other presenters have shown]

Jeremy:
I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.

James:
Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]

Jeremy:
If you let go now it will just fall over.

James:
No, it's got a thing called a stand!

Richard:
You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...

Jeremy:
Nothing.

Richard:
Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good-that's not going to help.

Jeremy:
Why are tiny wheels wrong?

James:
Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.

Jeremy:
What holes?

James:
The holes in the road.

Richard:
So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.

Jeremy:
How many cylinders has it got?

James and Richard:
One.

Jeremy:
One?

James:
It's a two stroke.

[Reading the main challenge]

James:
You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years: get from the south of Vietnam to the north. You will ride from [laughs] here in Saigon to Ha Long City, near the Chinese border, which is one thousand miles away.

[Jeremy looks daunted]

James:
That is excellent!

Richard:
Wow!

James:
That is the best challenge we've ever had!

Richard:
That's fa- I'm going. I'm getting-Get his bike started. [runs back to his bike]

James:
Honestly, that is fantastic. [leaves too]

Jeremy:
I just- I can't do that. I can't do- Guys, I can't do that! I can't ride a bike. I'm sorry, this is stupid. [points to crew behind the camera] And I'm not joking, it is- I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.

Richard:
I think it's brilliant! I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.

James:
I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.

Jeremy:
Because it's a thousand miles in the rainy season...!

Richard:
I know, that's the best thing about it!

Jeremy:
...a thousand miles, in the rainy season, in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] I honestly believed that at some point on our long and torturous route, one of us would be killed. Probably wouldn't be Hammond though. Because unlike us two, he at least could get a helmet which fitted.

Jeremy:
The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.

Richard:
No, you have a big head.

Jeremy:
The reason why crash helmets are small is because people who wear them haven't got a brain. Otherwise they'd have a car.

[Jeremy is having lunch while his scooter is being repaired]

Jeremy:
[picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.

[Richard and James are having lunch somewhere else]

James:
[looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste.

Richard:
[looking unhappy] Don't like squid.

James:
Ok, well you can have crab with...

Richard:
Don't like crab.

James:
Razor clams!

Richard:
Don't like clams.

[Jeremy is broken down by the side of a road]

Jeremy:
And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]

[Richard and then James arrive at the meeting point, a restaurant]

Richard:
Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.

James:
I know.

Richard:
Where is he, do you reckon?

James:
Dunno.

Richard:
Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?

[Cut to Jeremy, who is riding through town in the dark]

Jeremy:
[Very, very angry] I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant?! Where is it?!

[Just before the rain starts to fall]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.

[And with that, the heavens open. Jeremy and James ride along, soaked by the torrential rain]

Jeremy:
Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!

James:
Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?

Jeremy:
My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.

Richard:
Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.

Jeremy:
[shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!

James:
It's good for you!

Jeremy:
[still shouting] It's not!

James:
[Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!

[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]

Jeremy:
Hit that. Cheer me up-kill yourself.

[James overtakes Jeremy and begins to sing The Beach Boys' "Little Honda"]

James:
#I'll take you anywhere you want to go, I'll ride my Honda tonight-#

Jeremy:
I hate you!

James:
[Ignoring him] #First gear, it's all right. Second gear, I lean right. Third gear, hold on tight#

[James has run out of fuel in the pouring rain]

James:
Cock. This is a massive "Oh, cock". How can it have run out? That rain makes a really annoying noise on my colander-- helmet. And it comes through.

[later]

James:
this nice man has stopped on an old Russian motorcycle and I think he's going to give me some petrol. What a nice man. In fact, I think I'll pay him. [he starts to remove of his gloves, then sighs] Me dồng's going to be all soggy, isn't it?

[After bring told that they couldn't get any more spare parts for their bikes and found out that the "backup transport", if they couldn't keep their bikes going with tools is a Honda Chaly mini-bike with a "Stars and Stripes" paint job]

Jeremy:
Oh god!

Richard:
Oh yes, that is a bit...

James:
Oh, God, I don't think so!

Richard:
It's slightly conspicuous

[some music starts playing loudly, it's "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen, it's the "Star Spangled Banner" in the DVD edition]

Jeremy:
That's "Born in the USA", evidently.

[some thunder rumbles and some Vietnamese start running towards them in the distance]

Richard:
That's thunder...and the village...have you noticed there was a rumble of thunder, and the village arrived..? I-...

[He struggles to find the right words]

Jeremy:
Children, if you're watching this at home and you don't know why this is inappropriate, ask your parents, but this is as inappropriate a bike as it is humanly possible to conceive.

[After being asked a question in Vietnamese]

Richard:
[In English, completely guessing what she asked] Always give way to the car from the right!

[Whole class bursts out laughing]

Jeremy:
You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language.

Vietnamese Driving Examiner:
[several times, no matter what Jeremy does] Jeremy Clarkson: Fail!

Jeremy:
I've always said that if my children buy a bike, I'll burn it. If they replace it with another one, I'll burn that one too. Now when they buy a bike, I will completely understand. And then I'll burn it.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk!

Richard:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!

Jeremy:
He's just a... prat!

James:
[Having just run out of fuel in the pouring rain] Oh, cock... this is a massive "oh, cock"!

Jeremy:
What a journey! 700 miles on my bike, 250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.

[Having just been told they will have to make their bikes amphibious to get to the actual finishing point.]

Jeremy:
How hard can it be?

Richard:
DON'T SAY THAT!

Richard:
Have we just been abandoned here to die?

[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]

Richard:
[pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?

James:
That is my belt of many things.

Richard:
Are these all stuff for...

Jeremy:
[interrupting] What is that?

James:
Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.

Richard:
What's this?

James:
Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.

Jeremy and Richard:
What?!

James:
It's a shoe polishing kit.

Jeremy:
Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.

Richard:
Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.

James:
[Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!

[while trying to push the barge themselves, Jeremy begins to sink into the mud underwater]

Jeremy:
As I sank into the ooze, my colleagues became increasingly concerned]

Richard:
[laughing in complete hysterics] His plums are in the Amazon, look!

Jeremy:
Do you know the worst thing?

Richard:
What?

Jeremy:
I need to pee.

James:
You haven't had a pee in there?!

Richard:
In there?!

Jeremy:
I am doing.

James:
You really shouldn't do that.

Jeremy:
Why?

James:
Because of that little whatsit fish?

Richard:
It swims up your- it does, and they have them down here definitely and categorically.

James:
It swims up the -

Jeremy:
It'll just fall out again.

James:
No, no, no, no. It's like a fish hook in reverse.

Richard:
When it gets up there, it just ... [imitates spikes sprouting from his head]

Jeremy:
Stop talking rubbish!

[Trying to pull James's Jimmy off the ramp...]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Having rescued a man from the ooze, the mighty Range Rover would now rescue the little Suzuki.

Jeremy:
It's only an ounce to pull.

James:
Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.

Jeremy:
POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!

Richard:
[voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.

Jeremy:
[going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...

Richard:
Condoms?!

Jeremy:
Vaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.

James:
I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.

Richard:
What kind of party are they planning?

[During their first night travelling through the jungle...]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.

[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]

Jeremy:
How can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.

[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]

Richard:
Aah! What the [f**k]'s that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, [f**k], adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!

[They've made camp and night has fallen]

Jeremy:
[Showing a book about insects to Hammond, who has a phobia of them] This is a book about all the creatures that live in the rainforest that Mr Sting hasn't told us about. Would you like to hear about... the Brazilian wandering spider?

Richard:
[Looking uncomfortable] Not really no.

Jeremy:
Causes around five human fatalities a year. Lives on the forest floor.

[Hammond turns on a toy dinosaur shaped head torch, which quietly screeches a few times]

Jeremy:
What is that?

Richard:
Head torch. I'm looking for a, what was it called a wandering spi-?

Jeremy:
Would you like to hear about the Fer-de-Lance

Richard:
Is it furry?

Jeremy':
It's a venemous pit viper. It's bite will cause necrosis of the tissues surrounding the initial wound. The venom will cause kidney failure, fever, and death in three to four days. Would you like to see a photograph of someone who's been bitten by one of these?

[Clarkson shines his flashlight over a graphic picture of someone whose leg has graphically necrotized]

Richard:
Oh.... God!

Jeremy:
It's okay. It lives in North and South America, so that's...

Richard:
Here.

Jeremy:
Exactly here. [Later] Ooh, the botfly, now this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insect then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.

[Cut to view of the moon]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Hammond didn't have a good night.

[Cut to outside Hammond's tent]

Richard:
[From inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed- there's things on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me and it's big, it's really big...!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] ...and to be honest, he didn't have a great morning either.

Richard:
WHO has done this? [cuts to Richard with one of his trouser legs missing]

[The morning after they have first set camp in the Amazon]

Richard:
[voiceover] To get away from the creepy crawlies, I decided to seek refuge in my car.

Richard:
[opens door] Ooooookay... [Then shuts it again] Guys..!

[A little later...]

Jeremy:
Oh! There IS a snake in your car.

[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]

Jeremy:
It's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!

Richard:
Thanks.

Jeremy:
[finding up a spider next to Hammond's Suzuki] Hammond, look at this!

Richard:
[exasperated] Oh, great.

James:
What is it?

Jeremy:
It's tarantula.

Richard:
Tread on it.

Jeremy:
Do you want it?

Richard:
No, I don't! [as Jeremy picks it up and holds it in front of him] I expressly and absolute- it's- why me?!

[Jeremy chases Richard around the Suzuki and behind the Land Rover, where Richard has picked up a shovel]

Richard:
I'm done playing with the spiders now! I'm going to go over here, now! I'm going all the way over here! Oh, don't. Please-ah, don't-no-aaagh! I won't go for the spider! I'll go for your BLEEP head with the spade! That's what will happen!

Jeremy:
[unfazed] Come on, Hammond. Look at his little face.

Richard:
No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Jeremy:
Give me... one million of your pounds!

Richard:
Yes! Yes! Yes, yes! You saw that! It's been witnessed! A million pounds for you.

[While driving through the rainforest, Richard is still wondering who stole his trouser leg]

Richard:
[Into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?

[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]

Jeremy:
[Into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?

[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]

James:
That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.

Richard:
I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!

[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]

Richard:
[voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.

Jeremy:
I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!

Richard:
[To James, without even looking] Has he got a chainsaw?

[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]

Jeremy:
OH YES!

Richard:
[Sounding weary] Oh God...

Jeremy:
It is extraordinary, if you think about it. In South America, there are no elephants, kangaroos, lions, hyenas, honey badgers, nothing interesting at all. It's all just insects designed to make you have a debilitating, agonising death.

[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]

Richard:
Jeremy, my car's on fire!

Jeremy:
Well, put beer on it!

Richard:
I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]

Jeremy:
There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...

Richard:
[interrupting] You set my car on fire!

Jeremy:
I haven't got my glasses.

Richard:
Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.

Richard:
I can't remember if I took my malaria pill this morning. If I were a girl, I'd be pregnant, a lot!

[During their drive through the rainforest it begins to rain]

Jeremy:
[into walkie-talkie] Hammond?

Richard:
[through walkie-talkie Yeah?

Jeremy:
How wet are you getting in this rain?

[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]

Richard:
[spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.

Jeremy:
[attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...

Richard:
Do you two need some time to yourselves?

[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]

Richard:
[in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!

[In James's truck]

James:
[to his car] Stop it!!

[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]

Jeremy:
[into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?

[In Richard's Toyota]

Richard:
[into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!

[James's truck goes over a bump]

James:
Oh! Jesus.

[In Jeremy's truck]

Jeremy:
Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.

[Back in Richard's truck]

Richard:
[desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!

[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]

[after sawing through a tree in the middle of a road, Jeremy - armed with a chainsaw - and James - wielding a machete - engage in a standoff when Jeremy tries to saw through James' Toyota]

Richard:
Let's not have a chainsaw/machete fight!

Jeremy:
[as the chainsaw powers down] Why's it stalled?

Richard:
Let's take that as a message - possibly even from God - that you should put the bloody chainsaw in the car and get off.

Jeremy:
I like this!

Richard:
I know, and if you do anything more manly, you're in danger of making yourself pregnant.

[about to drive down the "Road of Death"]

Jeremy:
[to Richard through the radio] My car is perfect in every way, apart from it not starting, so could you, if you wouldn't mind... push me, a little bit?

Richard:
So, you want me to push your car with my car, now, on this road here?

Jeremy:
[long silence] Yes, there's no alternative.

Richard:
Okay, well here I come. [inches slowly toward Jeremy's Land Rover] Careful, careful, careful... [accelerates and bumps hard into the Land Rover] Oh, it wasn't as careful as I could've been, sorry. [Giggles to himself]

[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]

Jeremy:
James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.

Richard:
The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.

[On the Road of Death, Jeremy with his eyes on a passing vehicle accidentally rams James despite being warned not to earlier on. Shaken and angry, James gets out with his machete and approaches Jeremy's car]

Jeremy:
Sorry, I was...

James:
[Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]

Jeremy:
[fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!

James:
[interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!

[In Richard's truck]

Richard:
[Casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.

[Back to James and Jeremy]

Jeremy:
I was watching the taxi.

James:
You weren't!

Jeremy:
I was watching the taxi.

[Later, Jeremy walks up to Richard]

Richard:
Did your co-presenter on your television program just attack you with a machete?

Jeremy:
Yes, he did. He came to the window and he was quite cross because I ran into him.

Richard:
That doesn't happen on, like, clothes programs or gardening shows.

Jeremy:
No.

[Driving along the Road of Death in the dark, long since abandoned by Jeremy]

James:
Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.

Richard:
...What...?

James:
...Please don't leave me.

[On crossing the Chilean border]

Jeremy:
At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.

[At the border post...]

Jeremy:
[from within] MY ARSE!

Jeremy:
[as the three of them drive higher and higher over the active volcano, higher than 15,000 feet above sea level] We are, definitely, the highest motorists in the world. Apart from George Michael, obviously.

[On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life, even bacteria]

Jeremy:
Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!

Jeremy:
I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head's come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything, and it's the same story with this car.

Jeremy:
[upon seeing Richard's car and finding out that James has gone over budget] So we're not three wise men, we're one wise man, an idiot and a cheat.

[debating where they're landing]

James:
Is it China?

Richard:
Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.

Jeremy:
Well, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.

James:
[in the transport plane, with the back open while they were still in the air] Hammond! Put your handbrake on!

[Richard is first off the plane, but the others don't follow him]

Richard:
YOU BASTARDS!

James:
[to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?

Jeremy:
[feigning innocence] Yes, I did!

[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]

Jeremy:
Did you make it?

Richard:
I'm alive! I'm hiding in a big shed!

[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]

Richard:
Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)

Jeremy and James:
Yeah.

Richard:
Well, that's the way we want to go.

Jeremy:
Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?

Richard:
Well, I'm aware of it.

Jeremy:
Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.

Richard:
That's really bad, isn't it.

Jeremy:
That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.

Richard:
And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?

Jeremy:
We are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.

James:
Sounds like a plan.

Jeremy:
So the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.

Jeremy:
Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped, I don't want to hear any of this, 'Well, you know we, we don't give in to kidnap demands'. Just pay. I don't want to be beheaded on the Internet.

Jeremy:
I'm not going round-- [Richard uses his car to push Jeremy] I am going round the-- Hammond! Don't be an arse! Hammond, stop it!

James:
[after fixing his BMW, being followed by many children] What I couldn't have done without those meddling kids.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] We pulled over by a roadside market that had a waterfall and a river in it.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] I brought in our special weapons man who had learned in the armed forces how to have a pixelated face.

Jeremy:
Bad news, for political reasons the BBC is not allowed into Iran.

Richard:
What?

Jeremy:
I thought it was just BBC News, but the whole BBC is not allowed into Iran.

James:
A car show isn't allowed into Iran?

Jeremy:
Never mind, let's not get bogged down, we aren't allowed in.

James:
So Ant & Dec can come here?

Jeremy:
I bet the original three wise men never had this problem.

Richard:
But they weren't BBC were they?

James:
[to the tune of 'We Three Kings'] We three kings from orient afar,

One in a Vauxhall, two in sports cars…

James:
[pointing to his large spotlight] This is the Light of the World.

Jeremy:
[before plunging into a ditch] Follow me! [a few seconds later he gets stuck] Don't follow me!

James:
[on being in the Nativity Play as a child] I was a shepherd because I had a dressing gown.

James:
[comes out of the hospital with a bandage on his head and stops in his tracks] What are you two wearing?

[Richard and Jeremy stand in front of James wearing burkas and sunglasses]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] The Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.

Richard:
BUGGER!

[when their 'Sneak across Syria' plan has failed with them driving to their hotel disguised in Burkas where they see a "Welcome Top Gear" banner at the entrance]

James:
I've appeared on TV in drag for nothing!

James:
I've finally found a present for Jeremy. Oil of Tact.

Jeremy:
I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders, into Jordan. A country famous for not having Bethlehem in it.

James:
There is a place reserved in Hell for the man who put that gearbox in that car. And it's the ratios - it's a case of many are called, but few are chosen. And many who are first shall be fourth and many who are third will actually kick-down into second.

Richard:
[after seeing that part of his car's rear body had fallen off] My arse! I've lost an entire buttock!

[on a stop by the Sea of Galilee]

Jeremy:
[removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.

James:
Cock! You took the bandage off!

James:
[in the stable at the end of the show] Come, let us see this child that has been born unto us.

Jeremy:
Yes, let's.

Richard:
Yes...

[Hammond moves aside the blanket and gasps. O Fortuna plays as the camera reveals the Baby Stig]

James:
... Well, I wasn't expecting that.

Jeremy:
... And on that bombshell!

Jeremy:
I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. [reading the letter] "Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out here, sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fence mending trip to Mexico. Basically, my message is this... you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."

[looks behind] Oh, here he comes now.

[David Cameron is seen leaving Number 10 by car in front of the three]

David Cameron:
Stay away from India.

Jeremy:
[looking dejected] ...Well, that was unequivocal.

James:
Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective... to rescue Britain.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] As night fell, we came across a village fete. Everyone was doing business, so I ramped up the PA.

[Music being played from Jeremy's loudspeaker]

Jeremy:
The British are back... I mean here.

Richard:
[voiceover] The next morning, as I was finishing off my Mini repairs, it was clear that Jeremy hadn't had the best of nights.

Jeremy:
My pillow was just a pillowcase... soaked in glacial water and then filled with stones. My sleeping bag broke. My blanket was see-through. My body was down to a temperature hitherto unknown to science. I would have come and bludgeoned you to death last night.

Richard:
But you're not moaning about it, so that's OK.

[A village somewhere in Uganda, the starting point for the challenge. Scenes of village life, before a BMW 5-series Estate pulls up. Jeremy gets out.]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] I was the first to arrive and I was feeling a bit nervous. [real life] What I've gone for is a BMW 528i, and on the internet, it looked fantastic. But, I've now had the chance to examine it further, and one or two things are giving me cause for concern. Firstly, [opens the door] it's got a manual gearbox, and that tells me that the previous owner was the sort of chap who likes to take it to the max between gear changes. Secondly, the front tires are Pirellis, the back tires are made by a company I've never heard of. Now, that tells me it's been run on a tight budget. I don't know what the challenge will be, but [crosses his fingers] I'm going to be doing it like that.

[Richard has suggested the three switch to side roads to look for a hotel and found one back on the main road, and the three are at a shabby, filthy hotel and are looking at the bedrooms]

Jeremy:
[comes out of a room and faces Richard] You're getting that room.

James:
[inside the room] This one's got a chair and a table!

Richard:
[trying to be nonchalant] I don't think you'd even notice the smell, after a while.

Jeremy:
[in another room, he unrolls the bedclothes to reveal skid marks on the sheets] Oh, my God! [irate] HAMMOOOND!

[as Richard frees James' Volvo from a muddy area of road]

Richard:
[voiceover] As I pulled James free...

James:
Yes! Bloody brilliant, Hammond.

Richard:
[voiceover] ... some locals arrived, and Jeremy decided to give them a quick lecture on his theories of off-road driving.

Jeremy:
Now, I believe in speed. Power. Power and speed solves many things. Right. [gets into the BMW]

Richard:
James, how far?

James:
Middle of the puddle.

Jeremy:
[through loudspeaker] SPEED AND POWER!

[Jeremy speeds through the mud, only to spin out and become stuck between two thick ridges of mud while Richard and James laugh]

James:
[imitating Jeremy] Go faster!

Jeremy:
Speed and power doesn't work.

Richard:
[voiceover] Having freed Jeremy, the men started to build him a new road.

Richard:
[watching one man repeatedly slap a hoe into the ground] I wouldn't do that in bare feet. I can't watch. Agh! [covers his face]

James:
I'm assuming he's never got it wrong because he's still got an entire right foot.

[Jeremy's BMW becomes stuck on a muddy road]

Jeremy:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! [beat] That was so damn close.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] And then, to add to the misery, I discovered there had been treachery.

Jeremy:
[staring apalled at the hole in his BMW's door panel] How long's that been there?

Richard:
[feigning ignorance] Good grief... You must have...

Jeremy:
Hammond, I know what your panto face is.

Richard:
... gouged the...

Jeremy:
Hammond, what - where is that?

Richard:
[snaps fingers] No, those - what are those really big things?

Jeremy:
Hammond -

Richard:
'Cause they could - they can rip steel. [gruff voice] Oh, yeah. Won't do with that bit...

Jeremy:
I know exactly where it is.

Richard:
I have no idea and you'll never...

Jeremy:
[begins walking down the hill] May!

Richard:
... get it out of me.

Jeremy:
Is that thing on the front of your car made out of my door?!

Richard:
[quietly] Yes, it is.

[Jeremy makes his way down the hill, where James' Volvo is stuck]

James:
Can you give me a tow?

Jeremy:
Is that my door?

James:
What?

Jeremy:
It is from my - I know it's from my door.

James:
Well, you're not using that bit, and it was more useful on my car. You didn't even notice.

Jeremy:
Well, the- that's it. That's it. [walks away]

James:
Can you give me a tow?

Jeremy:
No!

[After finding out that Jeremy has crudely cut a hole out of the bonnet of James' Volvo to patch the hole on the side of his left door that James removed to make a new impact plate that dropped off in the journey through Africa].

Jeremy:
[voiceover] As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.

James:
[positively furious] CLARKSOOOOON!!!

[After spending the night in a traffic jam in Kampala, Uganda].

James:
It wasn't a dream. I'm still here.

Jeremy:
[Recalling an incident from the previous evening, in which he accidentally bought a vendor's entire stock of bananas] I can't get over how heavy those bananas were. How could she get them on her head?

[After James was treated to Jeremy's loud lorry stereo system]

James:
Anyway, I'm sure that won't become annoying at all. I need to ask you a question.

Jeremy:
What?

James:
Why are you wearing a tie?

Jeremy:
Because I'm a modern lorry driver, and modern lorry drivers are crisp and sharp. The days are over when you simply turned up with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on your vest.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] At this point, Hammond arrived with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on his vest.

Richard:
What do you think?

James:
What is it? A lorry or a Hindu temple?

[After working on the bridge and being annoyed to such an extent by James's loud snoring, James wakes up to find his tent suspended over the river by his truck's crane]

James:
CLARKSON! Funny. You funny man.

Richard:
[voiceover] We were even funnier getting him back in.

Richard:
And who's he?

Jeremy:
That's Mick Dick.

Richard:
Oh, that's him?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

[Audience Laughter]

Jeremy:
Best friends, as it turns out, of...uhh...Billy Willy.

Richard:
They work for Bob Knob.

[Presenters and audience laugh]

James:
With Rodger Todger.

Jeremy:
They were gonna get it designed by the Scottish car designer...uhhh...Jock Cock.

Jeremy Clarkson:
This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.